Excuse me, for I have been drinking
2013-04-11, 10:24 p.m.

10 years ago I was the awesome girl who worked at a record store and hung out with a band.
So tonight I run into said band... in my bull shit business casual clothes, and realize that I feel embarassed saying that I am working in finance for a huge corporation.
I sold out. To the man. For money. And I am mortified.

Yesterday was the day that I made my choice between returning to landscaping for another summer or staying at the office job that I hate, but pays me well. All along I had been planning on going back to landscaping, but it turns out it's hard to walk away from a $5 an hour pay increase... When it came down to it, I couldn't do it, especially considering how badly I want to have a baby ASAP and we're about to start trying to get a mortgage...
But I am not happy. I know this is not where I am supposed to be. But I don't know where is... I know that landscaping isn't really a lifelong solution, and that part of the reason I am so upset about this is because it's a change. It's the first summer in 7 years that I haven't been landscaping. The last summer that I wasn't mowing grass I was 19... it was 2005, and I didn't work at all for most of that summer.
Sigh. Having student loans makes life a bit more complicated, if my expenses were a bit lower then I could justify working somewhere that would pay me a lot less.
And on the same note, having all this education seems to make me feel like I'm entitled to be doing something better than stamping invoices... My education doesn't mean anything in this office, nobody thinks I am smart, or even respects me as a human, I feel un-valued and unappreciated. I have been on the verge of tears constantly for I don't even know how many days...

life - death