When we thought we had it all
Tonight I disappeared down the rabbit hole of old emails. Half a life time of old emails. They took me to people I totally forgot about, people who I loved, people I still love and everything in between. For many of them I don't remember the context, or really what they meant, but I love knowing that at some point... they did.
For the last 3 months of the school year I was a full time teacher for the first time. For 3 months I had my own class of grade 5s. I taught them sex ed, had kids tell me they were gay, bisexual, feeling confused about their gender, had same gender partners, got their periods, have major meltdowns, been called a jerk. I experienced so much in 3 months. I was on auto pilot, so for the most part there wasn't really room for my emotions and neurosis. I was on running on caffeine and stress. But it was ok, as hard as it was, at the end of the day I enjoyed it. I liked feeling busy, like I had a purpose. It was meaningful work. I've always thrived on responsibility, on having a purpose. But I was also terrified that once it all ended I would crash emotionally. Spiral into a neurotic disaster like I did last summer. I waited... and waited. And I made it through July, feeling more mentally and emotionally stable than I have in my adult life for sure. I was just fine... all my usual issues just sort of dissipated. My moods and emotions were completely non dependent on other people. I was finally just living my life according to how I wanted to. And it felt good. But like clock work, August came, and I verrry slowly and very slightly began to revert, just a bit, and only sometimes. But the feelings are there, lurking. The bad days, I feel the tears hanging around, waiting to fall.
In 3 weeks I become a mom to a kindergarten student, so life is about to change again. I have no idea how much I will be working, as I will be back to subbing, as far as I know, so if last year was any indication, Sept and the first half of Oct were pretty slow. And as anxious as I am about sending my baby to school, and having our lives revolve around that, as opposed to just doing as we please, I am a bit excited to have 3 hours to myself at least a day or 2 a week. The options just feel limitless at this time, but mostly I am excited to get to the gym, as a lot about how I feel about myself revolves around my weight. Lately I have contemplated not going to a family gathering with cousins that I hadn't seen in many years because I didn't want them to see how big I have gotten, which is obviously an issue.