see you on the flip side
2024-01-07, 12:41 a.m.

There was supposed to be one more night. One more time, where we got together, and even if decades had passed, it would be like it had only been a day or 2.
You were not supposed to die.
You were supposed to be one of the good ones.
I thought we would just pop in and out of each other's lives forever. Just a hey, hope you're good, some gentle ribbing, the way you can only do with the people who know you really well, every few years. It had been a little shy of 5, and I guess I know why now. Why it seemed like there was 2 of you, and only one of you liked me.
I rolled it back in my head a dozen times in the last week... should I say hey? Should I wish you a happy 20 years of knowing me. I decided against it just as many times. And then it was too late.
I thought you were the perfect boyfriend, (until you weren't - and now I have so many questions...)
There aren't very many people in my life who knew me "back then." We shared memories, you loved to reminisce as much as I do. Now it's just a few screen shots in my phone, and a handful of photographs. The piggy bank you gave me on the only "holiday" we spent together. I don't know why I kept it all these years. The night you called and I was crying like a teenage girl (because I was one...) and you knew, "why are you crying? come over" 20 years later, and I remember the way you looked at me. The bizarre nick names, kiddo being my least favourite, it felt like you were calling me on my child like nature. Beaker. The smell of concrete dust and it's like you're right here.
I knew these tears would come. It took about 40 hours. And now they won't stop. And not just for me, my loss is insignificant compared to others. For his mother, who did everything she could. I wonder where his dog is. The room mate.
Maybe I will always miss you. Maybe that's ok.
I hope you're good. Where ever you are. - The last time I saw you was 2006. It was a special night, a great night. It felt like old times. As the night neared an end, the song "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eyed Cherry came on. It felt like something. Significant. I set it as the "banner" on Pen's phone. (mine didn't have that feature), it stayed there for a long time. As I finished typed this, and finished listening to So Much For The Afterglow in it's entirety, it came on. Again, it felt significant.

I seem to recognize your face
Haunting, familiar, yet I can't seem to place it
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catching up with me

All these changes taking place
I wish I'd seen the place
But no one's ever taken me

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away

I swear I recognize your breath
Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising
Me you wouldn't recall for I'm not my former
It's hard when you're stuck upon the shelf

I changed by not changing at all
Small town predicts my fate
Perhaps that's what no one wants to see

I just wanna scream "Hello!"
My God it's been so long
Never dreamed you'd return
But now here you are, and here I am

Hearts and thoughts they fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade fade away
Hearts and thoughts they fade fade away

--Pearl Jam - Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town

life - death