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2008-07-13, 11:29 p.m.

i havn't updated in 89 days.
im sick of summer, i think i might actually hate summer
im not sure that i have been this down on myself and about my life since high school.
im sick of working. im sick of my crew. im sick of being so fucking invisible and unrewarded for any extra efforts i make. im just ready to give up
i'm having thoughts i havn't had in years.
i feel so alone, and so isolated.
i wish darren hadn't opened the door im sitting beside, as im in my underwear and im getting cold.
it's just NEVER ME, as I told Dare the other night.
it's really never me. i'm the one who nobody calls their best friend, who nobody wants to marry
i've never been promoted in my life. it really does seem like you fall upwards in life... somebody told me that when I worked at HMV, I can't remember who, but i think it was referring to Sean. meaning the shitty people usually make it
im thinking about quitting my job. i can't deal with this. i've never busted my ass so hard in my life, and what happens? courtney the tank get promoted. i know it's pretty wrong of me to be may at HER for the situation, but I can't help it. I'm the oldest memeber of my crew, and now the only person not on the drivers list. i have 2 crew leaders again, fantastic. except last year I was obliged to listen to Darren and Chuck, but I have no problem telling Courtney or Trevor to go fuck themselves.
Bruce came to tell us about the promotion at the mac's on 37th by westbrook, right in my own domain, i could just feel myself shooting laser beams at him with my eyes. i know that my eyes don't hide a thing when I;m upset. it took every ounce of my strength not to cry. I managed to wait until i got home. Darren had about 5 minutes of sympathy for me, we ate hambergers in the bath tub, and eventually he gets mad at me and then mean... i don't really get it.
and now, thanks to courtney (for real though, not me just being annoyed with her) i have a cold, i feel like im swallowing razor blades.
it's been a while since I've been this down.... i'm not really sure what to do with myself.
we just spent the weekend in claresholm, which was surprisingly fine, considering sean and erin were there. erin always seems to have the need to tell me how much she loves karsen and joel, as if she's met them more than like 3 times... me and danielle spent most of the day at the splash park with Joel. it made me wish for a life like that. erin was going to come visit us, but didn't... i found myself feeling less animosity towards her than i usually feel. i think i was already to deep in my own self pity to worry about her.
i better get to bed.

life - death