2008-09-21, 10:01 p.m.

I last updated this diary 69 days ago, none of the people on my friends list have updated within the last 3 months, this leads me to belive that diaryland has become a thing of the past, for the people I know anyways. I kind of miss the days when I could log in every few days and have several blogs to check up on. oh well.
I have finally started the last year of my undergraduate degree, it's a surreal sort of feeling, I thought I would be more excited about things, that it would be a good motivation to work my ass off. But under the circumstances I am currently in, I am having a hard time finding the motivation to do a whole lot of anything. I finally managed to get my schedule crammed onto tues and thursdays, allowing me to work into the fall so I don't run out of money come November like I usually do. So I'm working mon/wed/fri. It's only been two weeks and I'm already just burnt out, I have no interest in school, no interest in work, just a whole lot of general apathy. I hope it passes in the upcoming weeks as I get more into my classes.
the only thing I'm really looking forward to is that we are in the beginning stages of planning a wedding. We have yet to agree on a single thing, other than the time of year, so hopefully we begin to see eye to eye sooner or later.
Darren doesn't care about a wedding, he thinks we should use the money to put some money towards a down payment of a house or the new car we desparately need, and logically I can agree with him, a wedding is a day, we need a car to last us until we actual have some sort of reliable, steady (high) income, which isn't coming anytime soon. But on the other hand, I have never in my life, had a day all about me, had all eyes on me, had people gushing and fussing, and maybe it's ridiculous, but I want that. When I graduated I didn't get my hair, make up or nails done, I didn't get a corsage, or a teddy bear at my ceremony, and I think for one day of my entire life, it would be really nice to have it be all about me. But I know I can never expect him to understand that. His parents took him to the caribean when he graduated... sometimes our upbringings can create more conflict that I ever would have thought possible, the haves vs the have nots always come into play. It's really kind of sad.
Even thought I know I'm not going to get my way on a lot of these things, it's fun to dream about it all. Brides maids are something I have thought about for years, and I don't actually know if I have any friends who have the time, patience and reliability required for such a feat. It's a depressing thought.
On another note, I'm finally driving trucks at work, after many years of waiting. courtney is raarrrely willing to give up the drivers seat or the ride on, so I don;t get to practice much, but such is life when dealing with people like her.
Well i guess I better get to sleep pretty soon, gotta prepare for another gruelling day of lawn mowing

life - death