we all want to be big big stars, but we all got different reasons for that
2006-11-08, 1:26 a.m.

Well I went to a show tonight, alone, which is something I havn't done in well over a year. It is a little embarassing sitting alone or just sitting at the end of somebody elses table, but I just remind myself that i'm not there to see those people, I'm there to see the band. Well the members of the band more specifically. It's actually sort of a ballsy thing to do, pretty untypical of me.
I've been in a completely manic state for the past couple days, I can't sit still, I can't get anything done because by the time I start doing anything, I'm bored with it and on to the next thing, it took me hours to get dressed this morning. Which is pretty silly. I had an amazing afternoon with Pen, we had a really good work out. All of which has gone down the drain, because my current stated encouraged me that it was a good idea to make cookies at 10 this evening, right when I should have been heading out the door. But oh well. The way I see it, is I'd probably be eating the cookies anyways, so the work out sort of cancels them out.
Due to the nature of the show i was at, I am feeling utmost nastalgic. Just questioning my choices, questioning myself over and over again if I'm doing the right things. And who's to know if I'll ever know if I'm making the right choices.
But I recieved numerous counts of devastating news today, but something that's sort of sticking in my head is that Mike told me tonight that Caleb is divorcing his wife Anna. Caleb was like the first person I ever knew (like who wern't my parents and older family friends/relatives and so on) who was married. They married very young, and had babies really young. He's 26 now and has a (approximately) 4 and 2 year old. But in my mind they were an example of a young couple that wed and really lasted, they were like an 'ideal' couple to me. And this depresses me. I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts to words. But it's sort of making me feeling "if they couldn't make it, how do the rest of us stand a chance?" I asked Mike what happened between them and apparently "they just wern't right for each other but they're still best friends." But my assumption is that she made him choose between her/the family or the band. But he seems totally fine about it. It really struck me by surprise... I kind of wish I hadn't found out. I don't know why little things like this bother me so much... But that's just who I am...
It all makes me wonder... what would life be like if I had decided to tough it out? Would we be in the same positions? Or would we be happy and just making the best of the time we had together? Realistically I know that I'd never be satisfied with that, couldn't handle being alone so much, and then there's always the inevitable trust issue.
There's a lot going on in my head right now, just a heavy flash of memories I guess. It's funny what the site of a familiar person and some music from the past can do to you.
In reality I'm pretty sure I'm doing ok, I think I'm on the right path with Darren, with marriage at some point in the future. But it's hard not to wonder, what could have been? But I could ask myself that about everything, and drive myself crazy for the rest of my life, or I can just deal with it.
Well I smell like cigarrette smoke, which is disgusting me to no end, so it's time to go have a shower, since I still have not done so since the gym, I figured why bother if I was just going to get smokey anyways.

life - death