2006-10-19, 10:41 p.m.

my computer refuses to turn on at the moment, so here i am once again typing my private thoughts on a public diary. but this is purely for my term paper.
So Jenai finally had her baby and brought him into Garage tonight, I almost cried as soon as I saw him, but I'm not entirely sure why. It's been a few melancholic days.
oh dear lord, i just smelled smoke, hauled darren out of the tub, cuz i thought it was one of the computers, and then realized it's some retard on our floor burning something. it's proabably the ugly women with the cat door mat.
So Jenai seemed far less happy than i expected her to be once her baby finally arrived, from what i hear the rest of her pregnancy was pretty miserable. but she seemed quiet, and her boyfriend seemed giddy. i asked Krista if she though jenai seemed sad and she said yeah and that she never should have had the baby and all this stuff, i was kind of mortified that anybody would say that, yeah some people have abortions, and that's completely their choice, but i don't think that they should ever impose that particular value onto ANYBODY else, unless they were an extremely unfit mother/human being. but fuck. We all know krista would "get rid of it" if she were to get pregnant, but she said jenai only kept the baby cuz of her boyfriend...
But the more i stared at the little guy, the more i thought about how much i actually want one of my own. people always insist on telling me that no. i actually don't, when i tell them this, but how do they know really? yeah i've kind of got some other stuff on the go, but something inside me just wants a baby so bad. But I also know that i really can't have one right now. But if it were to happen, i'd be more than happy.
I'd say that my classes are officially in full gear now. I've had 3 quizs 1 midterm and handed in 2 assignments. so far i'm doing pretty damn good. But next week is looking pretty stressful. I have a 4 page propsal for my COMS class due on monday and a major midterm on tues. and a project on wed. The propsal should be simple, except for the fact that it has to be 4 pages long. i don't really know how im going to elaborate THAT much.
My head has been going pretty much nonstop for the past couple days, but i feel much better tonight than i have in a while. It's just kinda going from the past to present, living me sort of mixed up, and wondering if i'm making the right choices, it seems like i've questioned everything in my entire life.
we got our 2nd and probably last congratulations card on our engagement today. it was very sweet. but this isn't really how i pictured it to happen, i thought people would be more excited for us, that we'd get more than 2 cards. but really i think the only person who is excited at all, is Darren's mom. Which is sad. I'd like people to take this seriously, but i guess that's what happens when the majority of people you know are entirely self absorbed. (excempt Carol, thank you for your lovely note). Before this gets a little bit too hostile I had best go and do something productive.

life - death