Give me that come here baby smile...
2006-05-10, 12:26 a.m.

Well lets see... where does one begin... Perhaps by mentioning the excruciating pain my bottom left wisdom tooth that began last week... I called in sick to rona on tuesday so that me and Pen could go play downtown (hehe) but also because my whole head was throbbing, the next couple days the left side of my face puffed up and my tooth started to hurt like hell, so I booked an emergency dentists appointment and called in sick to rona once again... and went to the dentist, got some antibiotics and then me and pen went to garage and bought some cute little outifts, and proceded to put on these cute little outfits, as well as cowboy hats and spent the afternoon getting drunk on my balcony. I fainted in the dentists while he was describing the surgery he's intending on performing on me (he made it sound like it would be like this huge fucking privilege for me to let him remove my wisdom teeth...) and well, out i went. It scared the hell out of him, which was one of many clues i got that I should probably see another dentist. I'm highly squeamish, he has to know how to deal with that... So yeah friday night me and Dare went to claresholm for the night, it was nice to get away, and we went out to the bridge and sat on the beach for a while, it was so peaceful, just sitting there, i really didn't want to to return. I just was so content sitting there, escaping reality... But sadly enough darren insisted on us returning. Through saturday and sunday morning i was feeling sort of funny, and i kept getting these weird hot flashes. And I went to work at Rona, was outside in the garden centre for a few hours, then was essentially just pissing around inside, when my chest started to tighten up, and i was going back to the tills to ask if anybody knew what the signs of an allergic reaction to penicillen are, and i guess i started to panic or something, and i don't remember too much, but my eyes sorta filled up with teers involuntarily and it felt like all the blood in my body was rushing to my head. Everybody around me was panicing, so all I can guess is that i had a severe panic attack, I sat down on a slab, while the head cashier called the manager (who i secrely find quite attractive, for an old guy and he is consequently an ass to me) and there was just this fear in her voice, i just remember hearing her tell him to "get down here now" i was having a hard time getting any air, and they called darren, who arrived on foot, because he had locked his keys in our laundry room, and i had to talk them out of calling an ambulance while still trying to breath, so darren had to come, go to my locker and get my keys, come home and get my car... and then when we got to the walk in clinic that was supposed to open until 10... they had a sign posted saying that they were only open until 5 that day, so off to the rockey view emergency we went. by the time i got there i had calmed down a fair bit, and we sat there for a couple hours, and then i had to go sit in a room, all alone for what felt like hours, the only thing separating me from the other patients were thin curtains, so i got to hear all about the man next to me and his inability to pee, and then the nurses complications while trying to insert his catheder... yeah i heard allll about it. and the kid who was drunk and got punched at a c train station. i think he kept dosing off cuz they kept screaming at him... so yeah, all the dr. really had to offer me was some benedryl and a half explanation of a possible panic attack and told me to stop taking the antibiotics... so i came home, and slept for 12 hours, and then went to read in the papers for the prescription that i had many symptoms that would declare a severe allergic reaction, and for every one of them it says to contact a dr. IMMEDIATELY. I should always trust my stomach, it knew right away something was wrong. So yeah, I guess im allergic to pennicillen. Hmm so the new assistant manager and keyholder are absolute bitches at garage, and i keep on waiting for myself to snap at them, but i keep holding my tounge. I wish i knew when i was quitting so i could tell both of them and their big fat asses and fake looking boobs exactly what i think of them. GRRRRRR. and apparenlty nodbody else has a problem with them, I guess they don't like me, probably because I'm the only one who will talk back to them, and they're 18 and I'm 20 and totally not intimidated by them. SO NOTE TO CHRISTINE AND RILEY: You guys are bitches and I hate you both. :D
I realized in the past few weeks that my inability to actually break down and have a good cry was probably contributing to my ever persistant recent depression, and last night, on darren's chest while he was trying to fall asleep, i finally cried. and i actually felt quite a bit better today. I woke up thinking about shaving my head instead of reasons why I could call in to work (which I really can't do any more... cuz I'm gonan be screwed come payday). So all day i contemplated shaving my head, and was actually sort of keyed up at the prospect, and i texted darren on my break and asked him if we could shave our heads tonight, but he's really against that, so I rehtought that, for about the ten millionth time, and perhaps I will just shave his head and it will help me get it out of my system. It's something i've wanted to do for so many years I can barely even count, it's just like one of those things i want to experience before i get old, but i'm worried that i just want the experience of doing it but not necessarily dealing with the consequences of the aftermath, ex. not having my long hair any more, and having short hair for many years to follow. I just think it would feel really good. But I want to have long hair for my wedding and engagement and so on... I dunno...
Well this is the weekend I've been dreading for so long, Darren's going to be gone to Aubrey's bachelor party, which I'm still fucking pissed off about. And now that I think about it, it's really just the money thing that I'm mad about, I just think that the money darren will be spending on playing golf (which he HATES) and whatever else (i don't really want to know...) could best be spent on something else, ex. contributing to my ring... the fact that we need a bed and some furniture desperately. And he's going to Red Deer, I've been crying to him for weeks, that I need to go away, that i'm desparate and sad, that i need a vacation. and he goes without me.. i know it's a bachelor party, but still. I hate being left out. I may have ranted about this previously, so I apologize for my repitition... And then May long, we're going to Aubrey's wedding. I'm a a little nervous, because I didn't come close to losing the weight I had hoped to before the wedding, i have no idea how my dress is going to look, i plan on working out as much as possible for this week and next, and just hope for the best, if all else fails I suppose i get a sweater to wear over top... And stupid fucking Rona... when I started there i was hired on the basis that i can't work may long weekend, which is the busiest weekend of the year apparently, and i go and check the schedule, and there i am, all written up to work fri-mon. And i told the head cashier, and she talked to a manager, and i don't think they're going to give me the time off. Which means that I may have to quit... I filled out all the proper paperwork and it gave it directly to HR when i started, but apparently it's 'disappeared' how convenient is that, when they're short on staff and it's a busy weekend... I keep tossing up the option of going to work with darren, i'd be paid well, be in the sun, get a tan, get in shape and lose some weight. It sounds really good, i could probably handle the work. But i just don't think that darren would treat me fairly, like i asked him the other day why the other girl got to use the rototiller (i have no idea how to spell that) and the aerator (or that..) and all i got to do was blow and edge, which is really gay, and he said that it wasn't my turn... So i kinda get the idea he'd always stick me with the shit jobs, and then give me shit when they wern't done to his level of perection. Fuck i dunno... and now since i havn't been back, I'm being charged something totally ridiculous for 2 t shirts and a pair of gloves, even though darren made me give some other guy one of my t shirts, and wouldn't explain to Doug, that i only ended up getting one. that pisses me off. i don't even know if i'll end up getting that cheque... cuz i don't think i'll be going to pick it up, hopefully darren will just get it for me. or else i guess im out for that day. which makes it a complete waste of time. i want to be able to go out, and do a good job, and impress darren, but it seems that whatever i do, i'm slow, whether it be at garage, landscaping, having a fucking shower. everything. im just a slow retard. which brings me back to mine and kevin's concept of 'secret retard' maybe i really am 'special' and don't know it... fuck. i just wanted to be able to do it. and be good at it. be good at something other than a fucking cashier (but according to garage i apparently havnt't proved myself or someshit to be to good enough at cash...)
I'm going to watch CSI in my bed...
And grandpa... I still miss you and love you. Think about you ever day. One year has past, but it hurts still the same.

life - death