I'm not made of steel
2006-05-12, 8:17 a.m.

It's only just after 8, and I've already been awake for nearly 2 hours. Awoken by my sadness I guess... If that's even possible. I went to try and cuddle with Darren, but he was unresponsive... It's only just after 8 and I already have the sad music on. Sitting here with a cup of flat orange pop and fat free yogurt. What a contradiction. He told me last night that I'm driving him crazy. Apparently we're both miserable, and I'm the one causing it. For both of us. He told me (after a year and 7 monthes (today) into our relationship...) that he thinks we want different things out of life and our relationship (fucking thanks a lot...) Essentially he wants a girl friend to "hang out with and occasionally talk to." I'm not really sure what any of this is supposed to mean, and if it's the prelude to a forecoming break up speech or what. I can't help but wonder why the fuck he was pushing so hard for me to move in with him, because it seems like I'm exactly the opposite of what he's after right now. I'm likely the opposite of what any sane man would be after right now. I'm a neurotic mess. Neurotic psychotic and weird...
He's requested that I please see a psychiatrist, not just an ordinary every day psychologist or a councelor, but a fucking psychiatrist.
I don't know if I'm supposed to be upset about the conversation last night. And the fact that he left me in my bed sobbing at 2:30 in the morning and drowned me out with a pillow over his head. Am I supposed to be packing my stuff, find the money to give him the last 3 monthes of rent and take off? Just 2 days ago he asked me if I wanted to sign another 6 month lease on our apartment or if we should go for 12... And now I'm oblivious as to whether or not I'm even going to have a boyfriend when the lease we're already on is over.
It's barely 8 in the morning and this day is already making a mockery of me. My protective glasses from landscaping sitting on the bathroom counter, laughing at me because I never made it as a landscaper (according to him I can't go along anymore because he at least has to enjoy work...) His bedroom door open, smelling of him, laughing at me and is what looks like the failure of yet another relationship. And again, it's all due to me, not being strong enough. The bathroom scale laughing that I didn't drop the weight I promised myself I would (made it half way... but I've still got a week to go.)
It's barely 8 in the morning and I'm on the verge of tears.
It's barely 8 in the morning and I'm being terribly mellowdramatic.
It's time for me to grow up, and learn how to 'adjust'.
Time for me to go get ready for work, and be late for about the 15th time lately. But who's really keeping track.

life - death