blue stars
2006-05-05, 10:09 a.m.

at this particular time, on this day last year, i was sitting in my former living room, in my great grandmother's pink recliner.. stoned on ativan and crying my eyes out like never before, due to darren breaking up with me the night before. I didn't sleep at all that night. I don't know if I have ever been so hurt, and broken feeling... It's kind of weird to look back on that day... when i think about it, I still feel hurt, but i've healed. so here i was this morning, at 7am, awake although i still had another full hour to sleep, due to a throbbing wisdom tooth. it hurt a bit on wednesday night but by yesterday the whole left side of my face had puffed up and it hurt like hell, and it's only worse today. i havn't been to a dentist since i don't know when, so I guess i had better be prepared for the worst. i know i probably need a good cleaning, a filling, possibly 2 and to have my wisdom teeth pulled. i'm not excited... i called in to work, for the 2nd time this week (i called in on tuesday so me and pen could go hang out. i was too depressed to work) and im contemplating not going in after to the appointment, just have to come up with a good reason as to why. and same goes for sunday... they know i have an emergency appointment. me and darren are going to go to claresholm tonight, so that he can go pick up his dad's gold clubs, so he can leave me next weekend to go to a pretentious yuppie bachelor party. i was invited to the bachelorette party, but opted out, due to being at least 5 years younger than all of those girls, it just didn't really sound like a lot of fun to me. and fuck, what is there to do for a party in claresholm or nanton... i've been so mad at darren all week about this stupid bachelor party, he doesn't have the money to go so he's either putting it on a credit card or borrowing it from his parents... which frustrates me to no end, i've been crying, begging for weeks for him to take me away, i'm desperate, and depressed and i need to go away so bad, and of all things. he's leaving for a weekend instead.
i'm so stuck in this depression, and i cannot seem to snap out of it. i almost think that just breaking down and crying would be really good for me, but everything is so bottled up inside to the point that i can't even figure out what the root problem of it is. i kept on thinking that going landscaping and being outside would be a good solution, but now that i actually think about it, it's likely not a job that is my problem, it's probably me, my negative attitude, everything. as i realized this i folded up my landscaping clothes and put them in the storage room, i can't feel like a fucking failure. i actually wanted to do that, and be good at it, but something tells me that darren really doesn't want me there, either cuz i'm a lousy worker, or he just needs to not be with me 24/7 and i guess i can understand that. but im disappointed. i lost 3 pounds alone that day, and i know i've put it back on, and i only have 2 weeks until i have to be at that wedding, in a dress... i failed there too... i'm not going to want to wear that dress, or any dress for that matter...
fucking im writing soo poorly, my mouth hurts so fucking bad. im gonna go brush my teeth and go pick up pen, who has been summoned to assist in driving me home in case i'm woozy. im sorry for waking you hun. i love you!!!

life - death