*Just might make me believe*
2006-01-27, 2:24 a.m.

So, this whole 'night owl' thing is starting to get old... Me and Darren went to the gym last night, and I was pretty sleepy and relaxed afterwards, so I shut my light off, and fell asleep at around 1am (which is verrry early for me)... and woke up at 1:30, completely dazed and out of it. It felt I'd been asleep for like 8-10 hours, but I was still tired, and couldn't sleep. I ended up watching the Wedding Planner on TV until 5... I was up at around 1:30, which is surprisingly early, me and my brother went to Ikea and Best Buy, partly to shop, but also so I could see about job openings. Turned out that both places wanted you to apply online, but my brother bought me a Modest Mouse CD, so I was pretty excited about that. My brother hang out with me pretty much all day, we came home for dinner, and I applied for those jobs, I dunno if I did that Ikea application right, but I got an email with a reference number or something, but apprently Best Buy isn't looking for cashiers right now. Well then Muffie and I went over to Darren's to play with the kittens, as he's been begging to do for days, and we met Kevin at Wal-Mart and then went over to Kev's for a bit. It all went fairly smoothly, I almost thought Kevin was going to loose it though, after Darren threw a case of kleenex at him.
And sadly, Darren has also rediscovered the Sims, and keeps hogging my computer from me. grrr. But we got another disc and 2 expansions from Kev, so he should be satisfied now. The whole point of me hooking up my computer over there is so that I'd have something to do while he was 'gaming.' But we came to the conclusion last night that we're both 'nerdzillas' hehe. For some unknown reason, I'm all excited for Valentine's this year, I've never particularily enjoyed it before, but ever since all the pink and red shit started appearing at wal mart, I can't help but feel excited for it, but a little devastated at the same time. He keeps saying he doesn't like it, because it's like saying that he only needs to love me one day a year (god I love that boy...) and in front of our brothers today he was acting all macho about it, but as soon as they were out of ear shot, he whispered to me that he's gonna get me something. Maybe it has something to do with my little episode in Sport Check about the jacket I want, and insisting that out of the 3 boys ONE of them should be buying it for me... hehe. It's sad being a poor girl all the time, but Dare did ask me what size I want in it! But I'm glad I didn't buy it when I first wanted it, cuz it was like $200, and then $160, and now it's only $140 and the guy said they probably won't get cheaper until next year. I got my $400 cheque today from Ralphy, and I ever so badly want both that winter coat (even though I've only needed the one I've got like 10 days total this whole winter so far) and a Digital Camera. But of course, because I'm as good as jobless, I don't have any money... So it has to be saved for my damage deposit and rent, which is so sad, we talked for monthes about going on vacation to Edmonton with that money... Oh well... Sooner or later I'll have money again. I still havn't gotton a call from Garage telling me of any shifts I'm going to be getting, and now me and Darren want to go to Claresholm for the weekend (with our kitties) and I have this sneaking suspicion I'm gonna get a call tomorrow asking me to come in on Sat. I almost think I'm gonna tell her no, just because I'm pretty sure she's not going to be able to give me enough hours, and well fuck, I don't want to be on call to take the shitty shifts nobody wants, I'm also not going to waste my weekend sitting around awaiting her phone call. If she doesn't call by mid afternoon tomorrow I'm shutting my phone off and skipping town. Unless it's gonna snow and we have to stay around anyways, then I might as well go work a couple of shifts and make a few bucks... Although when I did that with HMV, it took me 7 weeks to get paid. So I'm crossing my fingers like crazy that Ikea calls and would like to employ me.
Hmm I'm typing a lot. But who cares, it's my diary... I have to watch my mouth enough as it is because of the people who may-or may not read it. I'm tired of sensoring HOW much I write.
We took the kitties on a walk on the leashes for the first time the other night, when I was a kid I thought that people who took their cats on leashes were beyond eccentric, but we had fun. Sadie was pretty excited, and ran around, but Rico wasn't too into it, he kept trying to hide in the bushes, and when he was on the lawn, he kept slinking really close to the ground, I felt sorry for him, but it was adorable. Since we've had the kittens, me and Darren haven't been fighting like we normally do, like any couple does, but we're kind of more like an old married couple, we argue about what they should eat, and whether we should be doing this and that... But it's kinda like... we're not that involved in each other, even though we're always in the same room (on our separate computers) and chatting here and there, something is sorta different. My sex drive is non existent, he says I'm unaffectionate, I think my mind is just kind of overwhelemed with all that's going on.
*is going to check the weather to see if snow is expected this weekend*
Hmm POP is 20% for sat and 10% for sun. I looked up what POP means too, it's probablity of precipitation. So we'll see.
Oh I thought of another thing I desparetly want, Sims 2! Hell yeah...
Something tells me that this is what adult life is going to be like, always wanting things, that are likely only going to get more and more expensive, and never being able to have them. Like we could justify putting a vacuum on my mastercard, cuz it's more of a necessity for a home, but not so much a jacket, a camera and a game. *sigh* Oh well, gotta learn sooner or later.
Wanna know what pisses me off? When people leave their MSN on N/A for days on end, even when they're there, shut your damn computer off every now and then! Save some power!! Groar... And when people say they're online, and never reply to messages, either because they're not wanting to talk to me, or have gone to bed.
Maybe I'm not getting a call back from Garage because she didn't really like me in the orientation, cuz I didn't say "that's hot" to the other 17 year old girls that I didn't know... I think if going to a 2 hour orientation left me ranting and raving, that I'd end up killing those fucking biblits if I had to work with them. I'm pretty sure I won't fit in there, I'm not a skinny bubbly little 18 year old any more. I've gotten so serious in past little while, Darren's silly like 24/7, and I'm like an old grumpy lady. I hate it, I miss the old me so much sometimes... The skinny bubbly 18 year old biblit, with more confidence than anything... More than anything... I want to be thin again...
And I got the most interesting of emails today, it surprised me more than anything I've ever gotten before, I'm not sure if this character is reading this blog, or something else of mine but he said this *goes to open hotmail*
"...I'm not even entirely sure what to write or how to go about saying hi, but well .. Let me just state this in response to your writing There's an infinite source of love all around you.I understand the pain in your heart, and its purpose is to make you stronger and greater than you ever were..."
I was so shocked to get something like that, I'm not even quite sure what to make of it, but I'm quite interested in talking more to this person. I guess if one person in this entire web world is reading my ramblings, then they're not entirely going to waste.
Another pondering of mine... Me and Darren have helped move more than our fair share of people, including cleaning Kevin's entire house and then assisting in drive his shite to Claresholm, we've moved big screen TV's, Darren helped move Kevin again on the weekend as well as an insane meth addict of a coworker the same day. And I helped move Mike, 3 times, I've cleaned a lot of walls that wern't mine and put a lot of shit in my car, but somehow I have this sneaking suspicion that when we go to move, all of our friends are going to go AWOL. Propaganda always says you can count on your friends when you need them, but I find that in me and Darren's case, that more often than not, you can count on your friends never reciprocating the favors you do for them. Even his stupid cousin, he took care of his 50 pound cat for 2 weeks, and had to stay at his house, so he could brush the cat's teeth (dear god, I'm serious) and I'm willing to bet a lot of money that he'd never be willing to come take care of our cats at our house for 2 weeks and put their drops in their eyes... But I didn't like his cousin to begin with, other than being like the biggest dork in the entire world (if you recall an entry I made in Aug/Sept, the guy is like 30, and still has a star wars bed spread, as well as a computer entirely for games, hooked up to a large screened tv...) but he also did the un-doable, he didn't include me, both me and Darren's families, extended included, are very sure to include both him and I in the whatevers going on, and instead of inviting me to the "learn how to brush peanut butter's teeth dinner" he invited Kevin, and not me, even though Kevin never once took care of the stupid cat, and I ended up wandering through mackenzie town looking for him, when I was supposed to be at my grandparents 50th anniversary party.
yeah this is turning into a giant rant, and I don't care. because, this is still my fucking diary. And it's 4am, and I'm not ready to sleep. In fact, I'm going to get up to get a glass of water, and continue on, typing whatever I desire.
And wanna know what else pisses me off... When one of my friends puts a particularily devastating post on their diary, I call them, or email them or SOMETHING, just to make sure they're ok, alive. And i feel like I could type in here "This is going to be my last entry ever, I'm going out to the garage to gas myself immediately" Nobody would ever really know or bother to contact me, or in this case my family, to make sure I was alive. In the recent monthes I know I've withdrawn a lot, quit making the effort, that again was never reciprocated, I always wanted to comfort everybody, make sure they knew I cared, but it's too hard, to care too much and feel that everybody is indifferent to you.
So I guess to sum this all up, I feel sorta pissed off and hurt but a great deal of the people I know. The people that 'forget' our plans, take 2 weeks to return a phonecall, or those who don't call at all, if I don't do so first.
But such is life.
I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant, but these are things that have been weighing heavily on me for a long time. And maybe by me just typing it out, letting it go, I'll feel better. Or maybe somebody can point out what I'm doing wrong, to cause all of this to happen.
Either way, I think it's about time I stop typing, before I ware out my finger tips.
Good bye all, and I'm sorry if anybody is offended. Don't be. They're just my thoughts and feelings it's now 4am, I'm allowed to be... whatever it is that I am.

life - death