2005-12-25, 11:41 p.m.

On the south wall of my room, where my past used to hang, a blank white wall is now staring me in the face. So perhaps actitivities of my future will replace the things that once hang there, maybe not, maybe I'll opt for something more mature, the monet prints I bought at the poster sale that I never found a spot for.
His indifference and my anger caused something inside of me to want all those people, who used to be my so called friends, who I no longer talk to, to be gone. The pictures of the girls I went to high school with, and havn't talked to since graduation. The picture of mike's band from the newspaper, the autographed stamps pictures, some pictures/cards from my family who I rarely see anymore. What's the point anyways?
For some reason, Darren and I CANNOT get along on the phone. He's silent and couldn't carry a conversation to save his life, and what he does say is generally mildly rude to somewhat offensive. I guess in person he's rude and offensive too, but it's easier to tell (but still very difficult) if he's joking or not.
I dunno, maybe I'm spiteful, maybe I'm jealous. That he was given $150 to buy himself a gift, and is going to use it to put a deposit on an ipod nano, when he already has a 15 or 20gb ipod, but apparently it's too big. and i also didn't fit into his xmas budget (apparently of time or money) and didn't get anything. And maybe I'm mad that he's spoiled by his parents, considerably more so than i am.
I keep switching from typing to doing other stuff to keep myself from getting too mad.
This is the 2nd night in a row we ended our conversation angry at each other. It's like he goes away for 3 days, and all of a sudden I no longer exist, I miss him, but it makes no difference to him where I am and whether or not I'm ok. But tonight, he didn't even say I love you. He said he was going to go, then there was silence, and then he hung up. I often hope, in the back of my mind, that he'll call back, but he never does, sometimes he'll text message me later, but this weekend (seeing as I don't exist) i don't deserve any text messages. I dunno if there's actually any problem or if the phone is just to much of a task for a simple male mind to master that it puts a strain on our relationship. Whatever. I don't care. That is what I'll tell myself. He can come home tomorrow and we'll go shopping for his ipod, or he can continue forgetting me, whatever.
i'm going to [re]install the sims and play that until i'm so tired i can't see straight.

life - death