the bottom.
2005-11-19, 11:55 p.m.

so here i am, on a saturday night, with my ass planted in front of my computer, listening to motion city soundtrack, without actually hearing very much of it. i'm drunk. and sad to the point of believing that ridding the world of my myself would be a favour for all. i hate my new job, the big regional manager came in today, she's soo mean, there was a better word to describe her, but it has escaped me currently, she made it seem like it's my fault that i've barely been trained, how am i supposed to be able to use a computer system that was outdated before i was born if i've only been shown how to do 1 thing on it? And are employees really expected to ask to go to the bathroom if they're doing nothing and everybody else is doing something else and is too busy to be bothered? i can't really decide if i hate it because i'm bored or lost to the point of pure frustration... either way, i'm going back to HMV tomorrow, to swallow my pride and ask Calvin for a xmas temp job. I figure I'll do that for now, and then once I figure out my schedule for next semester, I'll find something more permanent. I don't really feel as though I'm mentally 'ok' enough right now to hold down a stable job, especially one that is causing me to feel so bad.
so tonight, me and Darren walked down 17th ave, while getting drunk, i guess it seemed like a good idea at the time, because he actually put 2 seconds of thought into coming up with something for us to do, and bought us a bottle of whiskey. but of course the night ended in me upset, because he's blowing of our sunday night to go play video games, and apparently i'm a bitch for being upset about us, sunday night is like our thing, we make dinner and watch our shows. whenever i've been upset about anything lately he goes all 'dr.phil' (as i like to call it) on me, being like "if you're unhappy, fix it" sometimes, it's just not that easy. obviously if i could, don't you think i would fix it? it's not like i enjoy being this neurotic. a bit of neuroticism every now and again can be refreshing, but a couple hours here and there is quite enough. well my brother just came in to talk to me for a while, sometimesi don't think i give him quite enough credit. he knows what's up for the most part.
but anyways... sometimes i get the impression, that when im upset, darren figures he should just get out of there as soon as possible and go about his business... i know i'm very hard to deal with sometimes, and that i require a lot of patience and energy, not to mention time.
i guess it shouldn't matter (it's obviously been A LONG time since i started this entry, yes over an hour) and I've sobered up a little) that he wants to go spend yet another night with Tim, but it does, Sunday is always our day, we grocery shop, go to petland to "pet the pets" and read and have dinner together, and then watch tv, and i look forward to it all week, it's the only time i get him for more than an hour before he starts dozing, and it's so hurtful that he doesn't even care. i wish i could just be like fuck it, fuck you do whatever you want, i wish i had the power in me to stay away, but i don't. i miss him every minute he's away, even when im hurt/mad, and it just doesn't seem like it matters as much to him... actually i know it doesn't matter as much to him.
but it all comes down to the fact that i'm a bitch because he made plans. interesting...
yup still mad and bitter. but that's just my life for you.
** note to friends, download Capital H by Motion City Soundtrack, it's brilliant **
but on a happier note... we went into a jewelry store last night, and i pointed out rings, as the ladies coaxed me to try them on, and darren shook his head at them, saying "don't encourage her" but we came to some agreements on a few... but realistically, i don't really think i'm the type of girl who will ever get one. i don't know why... one of the girls i work with is sooo fucking fat (and as I told Ryan and Ashley, i'm not being judgemental, it's just a comment) and she smells bad, and has A LOT of hair on her face, but she has a pretty ring on her finger, and this stocky, average looking girl who gave a presentation in my psych class on thurs had a beautiful one. almost every guy i know has bought at LEAST one promise ring, and lots of them have bought an engagement ring (or in Will's case 2 or 3) and I've been in 2 long term relationships, i don't get it. Why have I never gotton any more than a mother picked cheap Zellers necklace? it was beautiful, but i know Mike's mom picked it out, discouraging him from buying me a ring (it was more "practical" ->> she didn't like me(but that's ok i didn't like her much either)) i dunno. now im ranting. and i sound materialistic, which i most definitely am not... but is there something wrong with me?
some girl on nexopia called me a materialistic gold digger (amongst other things) or something to that extent the other night, and i couldn't help but laugh, i might be childish and "dripping with immaturity" as she said it, but i'm definitely not materialistic, or a gold digger, because together what me and darren have, amounts to nearly nothign... and that's not a problem to me, not at this point anyways
well i know this has gotton to the point that it's so long that it will never be read, but it needed to be let out. i'm sad, and hurt. i want to scream at darren, and tell him how much he hurts me by his indifference sometimes. but something tells me, that my words don't matter to him, no more than my tears do...

life - death