2005-08-01, 4:21 p.m.

well. i've got a lot to say, and a 2 hour play list to listen to while doing it. just downloaded a ton of stuff, mostly alkaline trio.
by the time darren got off work on friday, i realized that the day probably couldn't get any worse. i get to his house... and in exchange for gas money one of his co workers gave him 2 e pills. he asked me if i wanted to do e... it took me less contemplation than it did to do 2 tiny caps of mushrooms or even a caffeine pill. we agreed that it was the best night of our lives... i took half a pill, and we walked down the subway, by the time we got there everything started to feel a little different. i'm not quite sure why. the girls who worked there sure were looking at us funny, probably because we both had huge shiny eyes. over the span of the next couple hours i remember getting into the giant box that justin's 42" tv came in and trying to jump while in it to move it into the living room. i forced darren to get into another box which was much smaller, even though he insisted he was much too old to play in boxes, he just stood in it and played his guitar. the image still is far too humerous. he carried me out of the kitchen and back into the living room and dropped me down on the couch, and i kinda bounced back up, and we hit heads... really really hard. my eyes filled up with tears just out of reflex and i just kinda curled up into a ball. it hurt soo much. i still have a huge very sore bump on my forehead. didn't even hurt him a bit! we tried to have sex, but i lose interest in it to fast when i'm high and end up starting at the ceiling or something. the e was absolutely wonderful though it just made us so open comfortable and happy. we talked for hours, completely naked. just being so in love. he showed me a lot of his music which was absolutely amazing, just to have him feel comfortable enough to share it with me. i know a lot of it was about anne, and other girls, and that was ok. except for one song, which he warned me about beforehand, and had told me about before, and i couldn't help but be hurt and somewhat offended. saying "she's in love with me..." (she-being me) and continued basically to say that that's ok, but he didn't really care, cuz it's still all about anne. he says he wrote it right when he got together... but i don't know he can make it look like it was only me who had the feelings, he was the one who said i love you first, i hesitated, it took me a couple days to say it back. i felt tears in my eyes, but i held them back, i didn't want to ruin our happy night. he had a propisition for me... and i can't stop thinking about me. he asked, that if i don't end up going to school this semester that we should go up north for the winter, he would work on the rigs, and i'd work in town (probably at subway or something... but i guess that's ok, so that we could be together) and save up some money, come back and buy a house and start a family... i'm assuming that by start a family he means to get married. cuz i don't really think we're at the right point to be having children. (and as much as i would like a teeny tiny little baby, i know i'm much too young and still would like to accomplish a little more) so yeah... this almost seems like a really good idea to me... to finally be able to earn some money, and be able to save it for something worthwhile, especially because i can't really decide whether my schooling is going to get me anywhere or not. so after our discussion. he played guitar for hours, he wanted me to pick some songs that we could sing together, but my recall was terrible, any song he did play that i knew i couldn't quite bring the lyrics to mind quickly enough...he tried to teach me how to sing, but im very terrible, and following directions while messed up is quite difficult. but it was such a lovely night. the hours passed a very surreal sort of time, they were slow, but way too fast at the same time. at 3 30 i finally left. got home at 4, and as always, stayed up until 5. so anyways...on saturday darren had to get all packed up to move, so i "helped" a little, but as i told this guy ryan he was hanging around there, i use the term 'help' very liberally. meaning that i am essentially useless. but i did learn how to make a very strong box. heh. it was pretty sad to see that house, that blue bedroom. everything all packed up. i spent a good part of the last 10 monthes there, and probably the best 10 monthes of my life. even though his new place is kind of well... yucky. i know we'll make memories and have good times there as well. so yeah... i left his house on on sat around 11 cuz he had to go to sleep, and i was still completely wired (the after affects of e can last a couple days or even up to a couple weeks, i still felt really good yesterday and am in a better than typical mood today still) so went over to Kev's. we played swords and i made him some hamburgers, it turns out i'm no good at either. but it's all good.
do here i am. it's monday at 5pm. i've been awake for around 2 hours. and i have to decide what i want to do. very soon. i even talked to my mom about it, and she didn't seem to think it was a terrible idea. i think she wants me to take some time off school and decide what i actually want to do instead of taking another 40 grand in pointless classes. but i think for now i'm going to get a part time job at future shop or best buy. just to pass the time until darren is done fall clean up at work (or until i go back to school if i decide to do so-although right now it seems way too appealing not to) but i'm somewhat worried, that i'll go away for this year, and won't ever end up going back to school...
but anyways. i should go have a shower and take my baby some popsicles, he doesn't feel good.

life - death