waitin on love ain't so easy to do
2005-05-04, 11:36 p.m.

i wish words could explain. how i feel right now. how badly i want to drag my old faithful xacto knife down my left wrist, not necessarily to kill myself. but for the same reason i had the need to cover my flesh in wounds all through high school. i'd like to think that my problem solving skills have improved since I was 15, but they clearly i have not...
he left me.
i'm late...
i'm at pen's house and i'm afraid to go home out of fear of what i might do to myself. i spent my afternoon at work planning my death. before anything happened. i was going to drive my car as far as it would go... (i was thinking probably half way through the states) and then hitchhike to california. and find some water warm enough to sit in comfortably, and slit my wrists and die. a coworker gave me some suicide instructions the other day. it's not the first time this has happened, sometimes i think they're trying to tell me something.
i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to care. i thought he loved me. really did. i thought i would marry this boy. and he left me screaming and crying on my front lawn without looking back. i'd never been in love before. he told me he was in love with me, and took it back tonight. there were no words i could say that could hurt him enough. so i attacked him. hit him and scratched him with every ounce of my strength. tackeled him to the ground, just to feel him in my arms one more time. i should go home, and cry in my own room... but i'm so scared. beside my bed are my favourite pictures of us.
maybe tonight was the night that my percaset was waiting for. although i wish i had something stronger. morphine. lots of it. all i can think... is how could he do this to me. of all people...
my D...
the night i was in so much pain that i shook. he held my hand while i slept. i'm not as strong as i would like to be in heart break. all i can think is that i just don't know what to do.
i don't know what to do.

life - death