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2023-09-19, 9:48 p.m.

Connection is one of the most important things to me. I need to feel connected to the people close to me. When I don't, I feel empty, sad and lonely.
I latch onto the people I feel connected to, they often don't reciprocate how I feel. When I feel it, I feel it in my whole body, I feel sort of giddy, shaky, I get goose bumps. I want to be around these people all the time, talk to them every day.
This past weekend I saw a lot of extended family that I haven't seen in 10 years, for one cousin it was closer to 20. He asked if I remembered him - I did, I rarely forget people, and then how old I was. They all grew up together, I grew up here, 12 hours away, and way younger than most of them. They have a shared histories, tight bonds, some of them are still best friends.
I felt exactly the way I did at 14, when I was the only one of the girls not chosen as a bridesmaid in a wedding. I hoped they would see me as an adult, with a child similar in ages to their own, and see me as one of them, they would think that maybe life would be better if I were in it.
The moments with each person were fleeting, nobody seemed particularly interested in knowing me, in spite of my attempts over the years to connect with many of them.
I guess it's no loss, you can't lose what you never had.
I have relationships and connections, I have my best friends and my tight circle. And for that I feel very fortunate. But why is it never enough? Why do I always feel like I am seeking out more, that I need somebody else? Why do I feel this way when others almost never do? Why can 2 of them remain best friends for almost 50 years, and remain in contact over long distances and long periods of time apart, and the vast majority of the friendships across my lifetime fizzled, many of them intentionally on their behalf.

life - death