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2022-12-11, 9:19 p.m.

The "Sunday Scaries" are real. Maybe it's a teacher thing. But they are real, and they are in fact, scary as fuck.
Sunday nights, when the emails start to roll in. "my son didn't get the form you sent home?"
my STEP-son didn't get that form"
Same kid. Am I allowed to send stuff to the step parent? Am I allowed to even communicate with them? I dunno.

For some reason, a lot of teacher bashing showed up on my social media this morning. It is so disheartening, and it is so difficult not to take it personally. I feel like... people turn into assholes approaching Christmas. The stress, the expectations that everybody feels? Your kid is hasn't done anything since September? Surely the teacher's issue. The very very carefully written email from the teacher explaining that your child is falling behind. She's the worst. How dare she. They weren't directed at me. But I felt it.

I feel like I am failing. At every single aspect of my life. I am working full time, but it still doesn't feel like enough money. Being busy makes me feel like I am failing as a mother, my kid is falling apart at the seams, and cries more than she did as a toddler. She clings to me when I drop her off at her dayhome or at school, she pouts and cries. A lot. I am failing. My house is a literal disaster. All of the time.. I don't even know how many days it would take to make it look like a respectable place for people to actually live. We have a beautiful Christmas tree in the corner. I felt guilty for spending $99 on it, even though it brings me joy, and it will next year too. I don't actually know if I am doing any teaching a lot of days. Are they learning ANYTHING? Am I failing them too? They love me. I know they do, but am I failing them...

What do you do when everything feels like *too much*
Too much laundry
Too many people depending on me
Too many problems.

When a 45 minute grocery run feels like... a big fucking deal because there just feel like there is enough time to do it. And wash your hair that is on approximately day 5 of absolute filth. And your child doesn't have any clean pants, because their laundry is spread everywhere between the front door and their bedroom.

I am worn out. Maybe not burnt out. But worn out. Is a 2 week winter break even enough time to recover and feel like a human and go back to school and continue this for 6 more months? Is it ever enough? Am I going to do feel like this when I retire, when I am approximately 79 years old, because life is expensive and my student loans will take at least that many years to be paid off.

life - death