When we thought we had it all
2019-08-11, 8:21 p.m.

Tonight I disappeared down the rabbit hole of old emails. Half a life time of old emails. They took me to people I totally forgot about, people who I loved, people I still love and everything in between. For many of them I don't remember the context, or really what they meant, but I love knowing that at some point... they did.
I don't know if it was just part of being young, the people I knew or just sign of times changing, but it seems like the emails and conversations had so much more depth to them. Like we were actually discussing how we felt, our emotions, what we thought. I feel like I am trying all the time to form some sort of deep connection with somebody, to connect with somebody, to feel like somebody is understanding me on a deep emotional level and vice versa.
Now everything is ... who has more, or who has it worse. Whose kid is brighter, faster, sleeps more, or screams the loudest, fights the most with their sibling, throws the most fits. I love my kid, obviously, I love being a mom. But sometimes I want to be something other than just the provider of the never ending meals and clean laundry. I have been a stay at home mom, a work at home mom, a part time teacher and a full time teacher, and at the end of the day I am always left with the same desires, the same yearning to feel... to communicate, to connect, to share. Sometimes I just want to talk about things that aren't related to children. But what's left to say?
Last year I connected with an old friend. And it fit, I felt that rush, the rush I get when I feel that connection, goosebumps, the hair raising on my arms. It felt good. It was innocent, but it felt good. And it ended as quickly as it began, continuously leaving me to wonder what I did wrong. What I said wrong. Was I too much? Was it all in my head? Were our lives "too different now?" It took time, the better part of a year, but I got over it. But sometimes, I can't help but wonder.

For the last 3 months of the school year I was a full time teacher for the first time. For 3 months I had my own class of grade 5s. I taught them sex ed, had kids tell me they were gay, bisexual, feeling confused about their gender, had same gender partners, got their periods, have major meltdowns, been called a jerk. I experienced so much in 3 months. I was on auto pilot, so for the most part there wasn't really room for my emotions and neurosis. I was on running on caffeine and stress. But it was ok, as hard as it was, at the end of the day I enjoyed it. I liked feeling busy, like I had a purpose. It was meaningful work. I've always thrived on responsibility, on having a purpose. But I was also terrified that once it all ended I would crash emotionally. Spiral into a neurotic disaster like I did last summer. I waited... and waited. And I made it through July, feeling more mentally and emotionally stable than I have in my adult life for sure. I was just fine... all my usual issues just sort of dissipated. My moods and emotions were completely non dependent on other people. I was finally just living my life according to how I wanted to. And it felt good. But like clock work, August came, and I verrry slowly and very slightly began to revert, just a bit, and only sometimes. But the feelings are there, lurking. The bad days, I feel the tears hanging around, waiting to fall.
So do things continue to spiral, or is this just a minor setback and I am back on the way up? Time will tell.

In 3 weeks I become a mom to a kindergarten student, so life is about to change again. I have no idea how much I will be working, as I will be back to subbing, as far as I know, so if last year was any indication, Sept and the first half of Oct were pretty slow. And as anxious as I am about sending my baby to school, and having our lives revolve around that, as opposed to just doing as we please, I am a bit excited to have 3 hours to myself at least a day or 2 a week. The options just feel limitless at this time, but mostly I am excited to get to the gym, as a lot about how I feel about myself revolves around my weight. Lately I have contemplated not going to a family gathering with cousins that I hadn't seen in many years because I didn't want them to see how big I have gotten, which is obviously an issue.
But I also want to spend time doing things that make me ... sane, and happy. Reading, writing, crafting, knitting. All things that are hard to do with a very talkative child around.

life - death