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2012-11-12, 8:39 p.m.

Tonight I'm doing the thing that I do when I'm feeling disappointed that I have never been anywhere. i "drive" around places (mostly California usually) in google street view... It makes me feel sorry for myself, and then I always stop while making the conscious realization that it's only making me feel more pathetic. Pen has been all over the world, with various friends. But when it comes to making plans with me they never quite pan out. A few years ago we talked about going to Vegas, I looked into some hotels, sent her the names and info, and then shortly later got a text from her while she was in Vegas, in the middle of the night because she felt unattractive in the club.
Things like this always manage to perpetuate my "never me" complex that I have carried around for so many years. Because really, it never is me. Everybody goes and does their amazing things and then I get to see the pictures on facebook.
I am so tired of this.
I am feeling sulky tonight. About not being pregnant, having a house, a teaching job, any travel experience, not getting a long weekend this weekend, that my boyfriend is completely ambivalent towards me most of the time, that my friends could take me or leave me.
This is fucking pathetic.

life - death