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2012-03-23, 9:06 p.m.

So I got my letter. 2 days later than my classmates... And within that letter read the words "welcome to your snow removal career Alli..."
And while I thought I had myself super prepared for the worst, I still barely made it to my car to bawl my eyes out (car is closer to the mailbox than my apartment) where I proceded to call my dad and drop the weight of my world on his shoulders.
I decided that i wasn't going to be able to handle see any classmates that day, as it seemed that most of them had already recieved their job offers and everybody is so elated, i didn't think i could handle it.
So in a moment of clarity I got my shit together and headed over to wal mart to get some cat food, so that Rico would let me in the door when I returned, and in the parking lot I saw two trucks that I recognized, while Darren or Chris weren't there, but Andrew was, inspite of the recent trouble between us, I was so happy to see him. He messaged me later wondering if I was upset about not getting offered a job, or if the wind was making me cry. haha. He also saids something that confirmed one of my worries about being a girl landscaper, he said the guys said I looked good, that I had grown hair and lost weight. While I always did have long hair, I do always worry that the guys at work assume that I always look like a bag of shit because I do while i'm in my landscaping gear... Maybe I will do what I always rolled my eyes at other girls for doing before working an outdoor labour job-suck it up, and maybe put a bit of mascara on in the morning. I dunno, why do I even care? Should I be bothered to impress a bunch of undereducated ghetto boys? But will they respect/like me more if they don't think I'm ugly as fuck?
So today after many years of contemplation I had a super ugly mole removed from my chest. It was something I put off forever due to being all squeamish and pathetic about anything medical-related. So darren comes home, says he thought the apt was at 1, I was like naw I think it's at 2... This was at 12:30, Finally I check my phone at 1. The apt. was at 1. I couldn't get through to talk to a human at the derm centre, so I was like fine, lets just go. I missed my appointment altogether, but I was still into the office faster than when I went in there on time, with nobody else in there. In total I waited for about 40 min, actual removal took like 6 min, and then me trying to walk/not pass out took another 15 or so. They ended up having to give me ativan, but it didn't end up even kicking in until I was on my way out of the building. I was horribly dizzy/nauseus though, it was so bad. But having spent my whole day in an ativan fog, it's easier to feel a bit better, and just forget about everything.
Crying to my dad over the phone reminded me of an entry I wrote as I started college when I was 17, it was fall 2003, we were shopping for my car, and I ended up crying in front of my dad at a car auction. And I was like hmm I guess college girls cry too. And after all of this, I was like hmm I guess 26 year old girls with 2 university degrees cry to their dads too.
Sigh. i so do not know what to do with myself/with my life now. I don't even know if I wanted to be a full time class teacher, but I really had been hoping to be a sub, it was my plan. and it is so hard to not feel so rejected and so inferior due to not being chosen for the position. I'm genuinely hurt. I no longer want to go to the graduation ceremony, or have my grad pictures taken on Monday, and have a big party after it all. I had soo been looking forward to it all before this. And now I just don't care. All year I would just tell people that I would drive a sanding truck (always resulting in giggles) and how happy I was to have a backup... but I'm not so sure. I don't know if I can work through the night, driving a 3 ton truck on bad roads.
i don't know what to do...
So for now I guess I will go back to watching Gilmore Girls with Sadie and pretending that the rest of the world doesn't exist.

life - death