2008-01-06, 2:29 a.m.

There is one diary on my (very small) list that has been updated within the last 3 months, mine has been 74 days. It's so weird at how fast time moves now that I'm a little bit older. I remember when I was a kid, an hour felt like a long time. And now I look back and wonder where the last 2 months went. Weird how time works.
Another Christmas and New years has come and gone. I thought I would enjoy Christmas this year, now that I wasn't working in retail, having it shoved down my throat every day. But i didn't, my exams ran unreasonably late this year, so they sort of collided with Christmas, leaving me in a frenzy to get too much done in just a few days. The whole Christmas scene seemed... hard to me this year. It could have to do with the fact that I don't have any cash flow, so I was spending my emergency cash fund on gifts. And then as always, I feel bad that I can't spend as much as I'd like to, or that I overspend, and can never get what I'd like to for people. It's just stressful. So finally we got finished all our shopping, and spent christmas morning with my family, and went to Claresholm and did it all again on boxing day with Dare's family. And the whole thing just sort of left me feeling somewhat hollow. During the holidays, it becomes soo obvious how large the disparities between our two families are. For my birthday/xmas gift, his parents bought me a LCD Monitor, and then a little christmas tree, and then a bunch of odds and ends from the travels in Asia, a bunch of household stuff AND $150... Not only can my parents not reciprocate that type of gift giving towards Darren, but I don't think they spend that much on me and my brother combined. It's really never been about the money... But it just made it so obvious that I come from a poor family. It shouldn't have made me feel bad, at all. But it did. I think Darren understands that my parents don't have the kind of money to give gifts like that...Something about that day just left me sad. I can't even fully figure out what. Maybe it was just the idea of such a materialistic Christmas, actually seeing firsthand that some families do fork over 10g for the holidays.. and it just blows my mind. It was such a relief to just have it all over and done with, to come home and lay on my couch and watch tv. New Years unfortunately was pretty terrible... Darren was acting very odd, somewhat like an unsocialized child, and I could see him getting on my dad's nerves, who eventually told him off. And now Darren says he's not going over there anymore. Darren WAS being annoying, but my dad was really cranky and irritable, in general it was just a very tense evening. When we got all our stuff together the next afternoon and were getting ready to leave, my mom seemed surprised somehow.
So I figured after all that was done with, and I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted, that I'd finally be able to relax and get sort of reorganized, and so all the stuff I don't have time for during the semester (organize my last batch of digital camera pictures that I printed off, did that last night, took 2 hours, organize my photos and music on my computer, music is done, pictures almost are, work on my scrap book, which I've been meaning to do for years and so on) But I have become overcome with lonliness, just this never ending feeling, reminding me that my phone hasn't rang in days, nobody is returning my texts/facebook messages. Pen is going to be home on tuesday, and I get soo excited about it, and then I remember that she didn't even tell me she was thinking about going to Sweden, or tell me that she was going until I called her one day to ask her about an Ipod, and asked her about her classes... She didn't talk to me all summer and I don't really know why. So I get all excited and then I'm like wait... I'm still kinda hurt about this bull shit, who takes off for 6 months without even telling their supposed "best friend"
It's 3am, I've been sort of depressed for 3 days and I'm getting myself all worked up.
I went into Garage yesterday to see if they have the dress I wanted, and ended up asking Carieanne if I could go back and work there... I don't fully understand what made me do that... It just seemed like all the girls I know were all happy and having fun, and I do need a job. My car needs work *cry* and my loans aren't going to last the semester sadly enough. I keep tossing it back and forth in my head, I don't want to work, period, but I guess that's not too bad, almost $10/hour (it's not 14 like I'm used too... but oh well) and a 50% discount, not that I need more clothing. I guess it's a win/lose situation, it's got it's good and bad. At least I won't be tossed into a totally unfamiliar place with a bunch of strangers

life - death