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2008-01-17, 11:17 p.m.

Once I turned 21, it was like somebody hit some sort of switch, and all of a sudden I started to get a feeling that I had never experienced before... I started to feel old. It sort of started to sink in that I wasn't a "youth" or a teenager anymore, and that I was actually an adult, a university student, I had my own responsibilities, a fiance, 2 cats and so on. But in the past 6 weeks since I've been 22, that feeling has been intensified so much. I've started realizing that if I were to wear my clothes (if they fit...)that I wore when I was 18, I'd look like an idiot. I WANT to go out to the bar, and dance and have fun, but I feel like I'm too old, that I'd be the old girl amongst a sea of 18 year olds. And I have a strong sense that this is only going to get worse once I return to work next week. Seeing all the 17 and 18 year old girls being so stoked about going to the bar and getting trashed. I guess I also thought that I'd have the body I had at 18 at least until I had children, but pretty much like clock work, as soon as I turned 19... it changed. I like to pretend that I'm ok with this, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I guess landscaping for 2 summers and putting on many pounds of bulky muscle doesn't really help the situation any.
Me and Pen went to the mall after school to spend some time together and try on some Lululemon stuff so we knew our sizes for the warehouse sale next week. I saw a lot of bulges and heard a lot of fabric stretching (sssh. Don't tell anybody...) It was depressing to say the least. Seeing Pen in a 2 didn't really help matters any.
And really, I thought I couldn't feel any worse as I did after we walked out of there. But I did... I have some gift cards for Mac, and I'd never even been in there before, so I thought we'd just take a peak and see if anything appealed. I've never really seen the point in spending that much money in make up, I'm really a more natural kind of girl, a bit of sparkly eyeshadow and mascara is what I consider going all out. I thought I looked like a child who got into their mother's make up when I tried to experiment with colors due to my lack of "skill" but it turns out I really just look silly with more than a hint of make up. But the girl who was "helping" me didn't seem to understand. She kept putting browns and stuff on my eyes, I told her specifically, I don't like brown, and it doesn't look good on me. But she didn't believe me I guess. I ended up look like I had either been crying all night or was beaten up. It wasn't pretty. I looked even more stupid than I felt I can assure. So she decided to put some foundation or powder or something on me because I'm red (I already knew that, but she made sure to point it out) and ended up making me look like the girls I laugh at, a chalky powdery mask. yuck. I'd rather have a ruddy uneven complexion than have obvious shit on my face. It took me FOREVER to get it off in the shower, it would just run down my hands like a beige colored paste. I can't even imagine how much she used.
Generally, I like to think that I'm fairly down to earth. Yeah I like "stuff" but I'm ok without it, I like some of the fancy expensive jeans, but think it's absolutely fucking ridiculous to spend huge amounts of money on them. When I'm landscaping and hanging out with those guys, I feel totally fine with the fact I wear $40 jeans, drive an old car with a stereo is that is worth more than the car itself. But it seems as soon as I attempt to integrate myself with the kids at the university, I feel like I stick out like a poor trailor trash thumb. It's sort of hard to explain, but I don't feel the need to have the things that they all seem to have, but I feel that they think I should... that they look down on me because I don't. I'm not sure if that makes sense. That place rally doesn't bring out my best. I feel like an insecure shallow weirdo. And once I get used to being there, I realize again that I don't like TNA, I don't want a lap top or need $30 moisturizer. Last semester in the same sort of mental state, I decided that I had to have a TNA bag and Pumas. I got the Pumas, and love them purely for their comfort, but feel stupid for even looking at TNA bags, just not me. Now I want Uggs (actually I want the Emu ones.. but same shit)
Is there a cure for insecurity?
Is there a way to make yourself more positive? I need tips...

life - death


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