2007-01-13, 10:32 p.m.
words cannot even express how fucking angry i am. how sad, hurt an depressed i am. im feeling the meloncholy so seems so remniscent of high school. the nights where i felt so much emotional pain that i felt paralyzed, like i had to go somewhere, but i had nowhere to go, and wouldn't be able to get there anyways.
i just stood in my room, crying into my towel. just not knowing what do to.
and i don't know why any of it even matters.
i'm sitting on darren's computer listening to my meloncholy music. it's so amazingly comforting. so familiar. it never changes. my everclear.
so mike just spent the past 2 nights here, which i thought would be fine, i actually was the one who invited him, because i felt bad for him, kevin said he wasn't allowed to stay with him anymore, and mike made it all sound like kev's fault. but it turns out mike was trying to nail kevin's girlfriend (who we all thought was pretty sweet, but yeah she's a whore) so yeah mike shows up. he's a pain in the ass like usual, brings his dope, cigarettes and this time around, some potent pain killers. dare is waay to tempted by pills... so i went to bed and dare takes what i think is called oxycontinen or something, it's what is in percaset, and apparently has what 16 percaset has in it... so darren spent all day yesterday puking his brains out. so i was pretty mad about that. at both of them. so last night i realize mike has done something to my computer, which will not longer turn on for more than a minute, and it worked before, and my cell phone, which looked BRAND new before, has a big scrape across the back cuz he knocked it off my computer. burnt a hole in my cat in the hat cup. woke me up at 4am this morning. and started stocking one of my friends on msn. amongst a million other things. so im fucking PISSSSED at him.
so darren tells me this morning he'll tell him it's time to go. he ends up telling him he has to leave cuz he burnt my cup...
so mike's mad. so i leave him a bitchy voice mail about stocking Amy via vacebook. and he starts fucking attacking me via text messages. Apparently i have no friends, im a naggy bi polar bitch and im insecure and dependent and all this stuff.
and i don't know why... but i just couldn't take it. i broke down worse than i have in years...
i guess it's hard to take that sort of stuff coming from him, because it's all the sort of stuff that i beat myself up about every single fucking day.
i just wanted to be alone more than anything. and darren just wasn't having it. he kept on following me. so i locked the bathroom door and ran a bath. and he broke in and wouldn't go away. so there i was with my make up running down my face, and my bubbles dying in the tub behind me, crying on darren's white t shirt, where remnants of my mascara still are.
but i guess i know. that the things i worry about, are true. and helping out a loser is never a good idea. My msn sub name subs it all up pretty good "say no to house guests" darren just doesn't understand. he thinks it's fine he told him he had to leave cuz of me, even though we agreed this morning that it was time for him to go
fuck im so mad... and i just can't get the release i need to just let it go...
life - death