2010-03-23, 1:18 a.m.
I have recently realized that I buy expensive (ish) things so that people don't think/know that I'm poor. I buy lululemon, puma runners, have an iPod a blackberry and a laptop so that people forget that I drive a 1994 Tempo with 240 000km and a cracked bumper, that I've never been to Europe, Mexico or even Spokane.
I try and remind myself that people don't really care, the majority of them don't know or care whether I buy my mascara at wal mart or clinique, but sometims I just can't stop myself from obsessing over these things. I've never really been a materialistic kind of person, I just did my own thing and that was fine. I still wouldn't really consider myself a materialistic person, although now that I think about it, I may be becoming this way.
I just found that my student loans are maxed and that I am going to have to pay for my last 2 years of school out of pocket, this is terrifying, in so many ways. I really should be getting back to the basics, just worrying about keeping food in my kittie's dishes and not having to move in with my parents, but more than anything, I'm worried about wanting things, that I can't have. Not that there's anything I want, yet, as I only got this news 10 days ago, but I'm worried about wanting stuff that I can't have. I never wanted to end up back in the position where I spent most of my childhood, not really being POOR POOR, but knowing I couldn't have what the other kids had. I never wanted to be in a position where I had to ask people for money, I never want anybody to have to sacrifice for me. And here I am, stuck in a position where I can't finish school unless Darren makes huge sacrifices to his lifestyle, and put most of his earnings into an account for my benefit, I am going to have to take money from my parents who don't have an income between the 2 of them, from my grandparents, and worst of all , potentially from Darren's parents, nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable. This gives them the right to comment on whether I have cable tv, or spend a weekend in Edmonton with my aunt, or to ask me "where's the other 10%" if I were to get a 90 on a test (for example) as they asked their children.
But what I've realized most, is that spending money is my comfort, although I rarely have anybody to confide in or talk to, I can still buy myself little gifts, and give myself that few minutes of comfort. It never lasts long, and it's probably rarely worth it... but we all gotta have something
life - death