Don't let the world get you down, not everybody here is that fucked up and cold
2004-03-22, 11:47 p.m.

These are some of the things, that seem to be so difficult for me to say out loud. You told me how beautiful you found that other diary. Your beauty should be expressed, in my words, to you.

I often do watch you sleep, but it seems like you always sense me watching you, you wake up, and smile up at me. I admire you, your soul and beauty. You have more depth to you than any one ever could. The biggest heart. The most sensitive touch. Always so careful not to cause harm to me. Seeing me far more fragile than I actually am (it's not a bad thing) We spend hours, just running out hands over each others backs. Examining every little scratch, crevace, anything that there is to be seen or felt. All over my room are all the flowers you have given me at the various stages in our relationhip, from the first day you asked me out, when I was the one to fuck up and you brought me flowers, to show that you knew we could make it, the ones from when I graduated, the 12 long stem pink roses from my 18th birthday... The silent markers of time. Our time together, our life together. You've always been so kind to me. So patient. Such a prince. Even though a lot of the time, I'm not the princess I should be. When I act spoiled, you laugh and call me demanding. when I'm cranky, you pull me close, and tell me you love me. When I'm being ridiculous you always laugh. "MICHAEL!! you asshole! how could you throw our bears on the floor?!?! And you left a guitar case on cocoa's head!!" our babies...

You consume my thoughts throughout every day. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, what you're thinking about. I worry about you, and cross my fingers that you're safe. That you're happy. All night I dream about you. When we're lost, you hold my hand. When we're in danger you protect me. Everyday you're the prince in shining armour that every boy promises to be, but never quite makes it. The boy I dreamed about when was 14, and cried because I was sure nobody could ever love me. There are so many words I wish i could say to you every day, but for some reason, the proper sentences refuse to form.

Remember the night I spent at your house in july, how all night we'd wake up every once in a while, always within a minute of each other, we'd look towards each other. Feeling everything, without a single word. I catch you all the time, looking at me, watching me. Giggling to yourself. Smiling your secret smile. I always ask, what's the smile for, and simply you always answer "you" "well what about me?" and that's it... all that needs to be said. We're full of the unspoken bits and pieces, things we never day, but we both just know them. Undeniable but silent truths. We're probably more alike than we realize, or than anybody will ever see. You were snuggling with my blue blankie when I got to your house today.

When I yell, when I'm mean. Please understand that I still love you. No matter how harsh the words I say. I still love you. I don't say them to hurt. Just to prove a point. To make you listen...

Independently I know we're beautiful, but baby I know I'm nothing without you.

-Hold my hand-

-And don't let go-

life - death