2005-05-19, 1:58 a.m.
i am home, for a short while, which will consist mostly of work. i work at 11, so i'm not really sure why it is that im in front of the computer at 2am, when i'm completely exhausted after sleeping mostly in the car and incredibly uncomfortable hotel beds over the past few days. i felt myself falling asleep in darren's arms all night, and it was so tempted to take off the dress that i have seemingly grown out of over the winter, and gone to sleep with him until morning.
the realization that my grandfather was not going to be at his former house when we arrived hit me about half way there. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind, I was still convinced he was alive and that we were just going out there to celebrate a birthday or somthing. And that's when I knew it was going to be tough. I barely made it through the front door before my eyes started to tear up. I walked through my relatives for a while and did my best to be social and then it really hit, i was sitting on the living room floor, and i just sobbed, in my aunt's arms, then leaning against my grandmother. my mom finally came in and realized that i was falling apart in the middle of everybody and took me outside, we took a walk and a short drive to 7-11 so i could buy a phone card. she got me a beer and left me to think in the car with the radio on. i made a couple phone calls, but i ended up with nobody from home to talk to that night, when that's all i really wanted. at this point i can't tell if they didn't get my messages or if they just didn't want to talk to me... my cousin Desta, one of my few cousins who i havn't developed a strong dislike towards, came and sat with me in the car for a while, we cried together and her and her mother (the above mentioned aunt) took me for a drive out to the ghetto, i'm sure they would resent me for referring to the area most of my cousins grew up in as this, but it's true. (i accidently typed drew instead of true at first, i think im sad for my dad) my cousin held my hand most of the way there, we got stuck waiting for a train to pass, and in a way i think i was relieved, i just wanted to sit there for a while. i absolutely adore this girl, although she's definitely more of a woman than a girl at this point of her life seeing as she's 26, she's one of those people who just seems happy... a happy go lucky, intelligent beautiful hippie type person. she stayed here a couple years ago and we did some strange things together, we have some fun memories, and we've always really connected. she also earned a BA through all of her schooling and her boyfriend is 6 years older than her. these both comforted me greatly, because i often worry that my schooling is going to prove to be useless in the end, and that people are going to look down upon me for dating an older man. he and i have come to a point where we're perfectly alright about the age difference and it's not really an issue at all anymore, but it might be to other people at some time. i've been thinking A LOT about families, and marriage after seeing all my cousin's all paired up and having babies, and it makes me crave for that so badly, and wishing that i was old enough to be doing the same. and while that's what i want more than anything, i'm terrified of it, and i also realized that my grandfather is not going to get to meet the man that i marry, speak at my wedding or speak words of wisdom to me and my future family. that's pretty heartbreaking to me. and maybe i'm being idealistic (probably) but at this point i really think that i'll end up with darren, and my dad likes darren, so i think my grandpa would have liked darren too. i'm kind of choking myself up and i should definitely go to bed (which is COVERED in pretty much every article of clothing i own, as well as 2 wet towels(i have the worst habit of leaving them there, and am absolutely grossed out when i go to get into a damp bed later) and it's gonna take a while to get in)
I'm dreading going to work tomorrow SOOO bad, I think that's the sign that I may be need a new job, but I'm worried there isn't all too much other than retail available to this princess...
and then I'm heading off camping for the long weekend. i think i'm half looking forward to the cold nights so that we can cuddle up super close together...
i still have so much to say about my very short trip to say, but it should probably wait. good night.
life - death