the final hour of my 20s
2015-12-02, 11:23 p.m.

It has been close to 2 years since my last entry.
just like everything else, baby took over my blog. Well i guess she didn't so much as take it over, I started a completely separate baby blog.
I have a 13 month old baby girl. But this is about me. I have 100 places I can talk about my baby and about motherhood but it seems like there isn't as much time or space to talk about myself. I'm a life long journal/blog writer but as soon as I saw the 2nd pink line on that pregnancy test, it all just stopped. I always felt better when I wrote, when I got it all out. I understood so much more.

This is the final hour, the final half hour really, of my 20s. I'm a little scared, a little sad. I'm reminiscing. The final night of my teens... where was i? I'd guess maybe working at hmv again, as I did for about 2 days during that period, or working at the portrait studio as I did for 6 weeks around then. Darren was living in a basement suite, we would play video games on our own computers for hours on end. Often in silence. And I guess that's where the communication ended. Hah.

Anyways. I accepted a severance package from my job after my maternity leave ended and was laid off. I am currently a stay at home mom, which is not something I ever really saw in my future. I am attempting to start my own day home so that I can be here with Emma. The economy is tough right now so it might be a tough time to be starting a business, but it's also not a good time To be looking for work. I showed a lady our house today and I felt like I was interviewing for a job and was the least qualified of 40 candidates.
In general, I am happy. Being a mom is all I ever wanted. Emma is sweet, bright and hilarious. She keeps me on my toes every second of every day.
I'm also lonely. Having a baby also comes at great cost. My supposed former best friend of over 14 years gave me the "our lives are very different right now" after staying away for many months. It hurts, it hurts more than almost anything I've experienced as an adult. There are days I still cry because of this. What do I do with the boxes of memories of our friendship? The dozens of notes all written in high school classes thst we shold have been paying attention to. Well me more than her... she was a much better student than me. What do I do with he thousands of photos, and the memories that make me cry?
Darren at one point asked me why I thought she'd want to hang out with me... this was after last Xmas after she chose to not hang out with me. He also said she was my best friend but I wasn't hers. Maybe true. Maybe always true, but does that change the past? It really doesn't make it hurt less now.
after I had emma I made mom friends just kind of by default. Other moms who had baby's around the age of mine. They're alright, I appreciate their company. But there isn't a single person that I have that connection with. Somebody who makes me laugh hysterically. I miss it so much. It's something I'm lacking and missing more than anything in my entire life right now. And I'm somebody who generally lacks a lot. Goals, plans, ambition, motivation. I've got none of that. One of the things I get off on more than anything, that gives me such a natural high is just feeling that connection with somebody. It makes my whole body shake and sweat and it's been so long since I've felt it. And I have no idea how to find it.

Well, I lay here in the dark, next to my sleeping baby. There are 14 minutes left in my 20s... typing on a tablet is tedious and frustrating but I got this far..

life - death


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