What have I done...
2014-02-15, 9:28 p.m.

Sunday, February 9, 2014. I found out that I am pregnant for the first time.
I don`t know if I am reacting to this in a typical way.
I am anxious. I am terrified, I cannot stop questioning that I have made a huge mistake. Really, why could I not have waited 5 more years? Why was I in such a hurry? Can I do this? Can I go through labour and deliver, and then raise and nuture another human being? As I read the day to day dramatics of others peoples kids on facebook I generally feel amused. Now... I feel scared, almost... grossed out. I have been sharing these emotions with Cristal and she said that she felt the same way even now that her baby is 4 months old, but then told me that she is concerned. This pissed me off. I don't really feel that any of this is concerning. I think it's pretty natural to feel anxious as all hell when you first find out that you are expecting your first child. I don't deal with change very well, and this is a pretty significant one. I am not necessarily concerned about my ability to do this all (other than delivery...) but what if I hate it? What if I'm not happy? What if I have a miserable child or cries for 2 years? Or (heaven forbid) a sick child? Can I deal with being shit on and getting baby puke in my hair, and sore nipples that feel like they are going to fall off? Whenever I meet new moms they all seem like they really have it together. Their hair is done, their houses are clean. I can't/don't do those things under the very best of circumstances.
I really have wanted this for as long as I can remember. I was a 6 year old who wanted to be a mom. And I am sure once it all starts to sink in, and I see our baby on our first ultrasound in a few weeks, hear its heartbeat, begin to feel it moving inside of me, find out if we are having a girl or a boy, that I will start to feel more maternal.
What if I never lose the baby weight? I've been fairly... chunky... in recent months as it is. What if my enormous wardrobe never fits me again and I am stuck wearing mom jeans forever?
What happens after 1 year and my mat leave ends? I don't think I can go back to working downtown, because by the time I commute there and back I am gone for 11 1/2 hours every day, I can't leave a 1 year old somewhere for almost 12 hours a day. How does one leave their baby right as they are making such huge developmental strides?
I feel like I don't know anything right now. Other than how friggin exhausted I am...

life - death