2014-01-17, 11:44 p.m.

On the 1 year anniversary of my aunt's death I learn of another death of an acquaintance. The second one this week. She was 28 years old and died of cancer. I went to high school with her and hadn't really stayed in touch, more than having been facebook friends at some point. There is just something so... upsetting about this. She was 28, a newlywed. I am somebody who can never really wrap their mind around death, the unfairness of it strikes me every time. It's not supposed to be fair, death never is. It's just the way it works. Even a year after losing my dear aunt, the permanence of death still upsets me. A year later it still just doesn't make sense that I will never see her again. I'm an emotional person, I'm somebody who cries. I cried at my desk on and off all morning at work today. Over the loss of my aunt that I still sometimes feel convinced couldn't really have happened.
And to think about it from the other side. What does it feel like to know that you are going to die? To know that you will celebrate your last Christmas, that you will never have children, or live to see 30. Is it something you can come to terms with? Is it a blessing once the time comes? When you enter that hospital, are you aware that you might never be leaving? How can one even wrap their minds around their own demise? Is this my own immaturity that makes it so impossible for me to understand? Do we understand more as we grow up? What about as the young spouse of somebody who is going to die? Does being prepared for the death really help? If you lose your husband or wife in your 30s, can you fully bounce back and start a new life from scratch? Will the death of a spouse contribute to a lack of certain things in your own future? -such as another marriage, children etc.

And to my beautiful aunt. One year later. I miss you. I guess that really sums it all up. I don't know if it will ever make sense that you are really gone. I am so thankful for all the time we spent together, that you moved here when I was 10 and that I got to spend those years with you near. I hope I never forget that you loved microwave popcorn the next day, and liked to save some so you could eat it cold later. How happy you were when I told you that your new glasses were "stlyin." How hard we all would laugh when you would try to get Molly into the car and she would run laps around you at top speed. I loved your 1990 Nissan Sentra. I loved that you would let my mom borrow it when you were on holidays... and sometimes she would let me drive it. When I was a kid, sometimes you would send a Christmas card with a dollar or two taped inside for me and my brother. One year with a note written "I am so cheap!" I never understood how you would send US money, but call yourself cheap. I'm sorry that your adult life wasn't easy. That it had to end the way that it did. You were an amazing aunt and I will never forget how good you were to me.

life - death