2013-12-27, 11:09 p.m.

Last night I typed an entry on my tablet. I had to take internet from my phone in order to get online (the wifi in Darren's parent's basement sometimes isn't great) then painfully typed out the entry on my tablet, which took forever. And then couldn't get a connection so I could post it... and then before I got it sorted out, accidentally clicked the x. It was one of those moments where I had to talk myself out of being upset for a minute. "is getting upset really going to solve anything? NO. Calm down."

Last year at this time I was in California. On December 27th, 2012 Courtney and I went to Huntington Beach and Long Beach.
Every mile that I drove south that day, was the furthest I had ever been from home.
It's been a year, and every day I wish I was still there, wish that I could go back. California was... an obsession before I visited. It's still an obsession, but it's different now. It's something I dream about every day. My goal is to get back there before I have get pregnant. I have to get back there. I just have to find somebody who also desires a somewhat expensive trip.

I wish that all the words that came to me last night, were coming back to me tonight, but it just isn't happening for me tonight.

I guess what I can say is that Mexico was great, although a week with inlaws--is a lot of inlaws. Although I don't mean it to complain in the least.
The heat grew on me quickly. I after the first couple days, I loved it and felt cold as soon as the temperature dropped a few degrees. We got one full day of crazy rain, and all I wanted to do was be by the pool. While I enjoyed going to an resort and getting to eat and drink anything I wanted all day, it just felt so... wasteful, glutenous, frivolous? I can't come up with the exact right. But to me, the point of going to other places is to see the sites, travel around, see as much as possible, but when you're in a resort you don't really do much of that. We did leave one day to go to Playa Del Carmen but I hated it. I felt nervous and uncomfortable the entire time because the store owners are so pushy for you to buy their stuff. I ended up paying way more than I should have just because I wasn't gutsy enough to barter like you are supposed to. They probably laughed as I walked away "$20 for the blue necklace. HAHA"

Christmas was good. Even though it was my 8th Christmas living away from my parents, it was still hard for me to leave them at the end of it all. We stayed there on Christmas Eve (me and Darren slept on the floor in the living room on our airbed and Aunty Wendy slept on the couch beside us.) It seemed like a bit of an eccentric family behaviour, but it was fun, it felt good to be a part of everything instead of being the person who has to leave half way through everything like usual.

I still have 5 more days off work, which is such a good feeling. I don't think I have had 5 days in a row to spend in our new house yet and I am really looking forward to it. The New Year is supposed to be bringing mass lay offs to SNC, "right-sizing" they are calling it. And our department head talked about it in depth at our last meeting. He said finance should be ok... until the end of January. And something keeps telling me that I will likely be a part of these lay offs and even though I don't love my job, I love getting paid and being able to pay my bills every month. So it's a stressful thought.

So... It has been one year since I went to California. It is -13 in Calgary right now, but feels like -26, we have wind and flash freeze warnings because it was so warm for the past few days. It's good that I was planning on being a hermit for the next few days anyways, because I tend to be especially anxious about traveling on poor roads this winter. Living so far south has made me feel so isolated. Nobody wants to come visit this far, and I'm too anxious to leave because this winter has been so horrendous. Oh well, hiding out here and cleaning (theoretically) for a few days after being gone so much for the past 2 weeks definitely won't hurt.

life - death