2013-09-22, 1:49 p.m.

So... it turns out that a long weekend spent in a state of pure anxiety is what I need to get shit done.
My work situation has gone from mediocre to pure torture over the past couple weeks.
A few months ago we got a new supervisor to be above the AP and AR team leads, whatever, doesn't affect me much, don't care. Until one day she decided it was time to sit at my desk and go over all of my tasks, I did this and I felt like she kept emphasizing that I wasn't doing enough. I feel like I am kept very busy, if not sometimes busy to the point of being completely overwhelmed with my typical duties as well as the things that pop up all day. She kept telling me she wanted to "see more coming from this desk" and I kept feeling the need to reiterate the fact that I am very busy as is. I am a defensive person, if I feel that somebody is making an incorrect assumption of me, I always feel the need to explain and defend. And I hate feeling that defensive feeling. So after that I assumed I would be given some more tasks, nothing major was given, a bit of mailing, no big deal I did that occasioanlly anyways.
So on a regular basis through the day I have to take some stuff to said supervisor (her code name is Jim) so last week I was dropping some stuff at Jim's desk, pass her as I'm walking there, give her a little smile of acknowledgement, and she says to me "you don't have to smile at me you know" What in the actual fuck is that supposed to mean? Who says that to somebody? Especially somebody they are supposedly the supervisor of. So for the rest of the week she goes to all extremes to avoid me, no eye contact, no smiles. Nothing. Fine by me, until I start getting the vibe that she might be planning on trying to get rid of me or something alone those lines. I start panicking. I spend one weekend, feeling depressed and unhappy (this is before the smiling incident) about this, start feeling better and then this comes about. By the time Thurs. rolls around I am super worried, then right before we are all about to leave for a 3 day weekend I get a meeting request in my email for a "process update" on Monday afternoon, Jim, AP lead and Me. I panic, email her and polite ask what it about. No response, she leaves after saying good bye to everybody around me and not me. She asks all the AP people around if they are going to the team dinner, except me. I am not going, WHY WOULD I??! I don't want to have dinner and drinks with these people, especially as they have been kind of non stop for the past couple months.
So I feel like I am going to throw up, no information, no way of finding anything out except to wait. I spend most of friday so depressed and stressed that I can barely get out of bed. I finally suck it up, go to the store to buy milk and invite Courtney over to have some drinks with me (fighting the urge I had to do some day drinking all day) so she comes over, and Braden pops over for a bit. And I have been coping ever since, but finding it hard to distract myself, I feel anxious and stressed.
And I realized that my best plan of attack is to just smile and nod through the meeting tomorrow - and not cry, which will be my biggest challenge, as I always cry when I am stressed, anxious, worried, angry, upset etc. and start hunting for jobs.
I always knew that this job was a stepping stone, but I hoped that it would be a step until the "perfect" job landed in my lap. It doesn't work like that, it never does. I don't even know how to go about finding a job, I don't know what I want to do. I am still just as lost as I was when I finished university over a year ago.
And here's another awesome thing, I am the most educated person on either of the AP or AR teams, I hold the lowest rank. I realized the other night that I have felt unwelcome, unwanted and unappreciated the entire time I have worked there. The only bonus has been that they pay me well.
So here I am. At least when I applied for the job last year, I knew I could do snow removal, it was just a shot and I didn't actually intend on taking the job if it was offered to me. But it gets hard to turn down that big of a pay increase. And now the salary isn't as negotiable since I am paying a mortgage, student loans, a car loan etc.
So I just need to try and stay calm today and tomorrow. The meeting is in 24 hours. my first instinct is to sneak in there tonight and pack up all my stuff and just never go back. Fight or flight. And I just want to GTFO.

life - death