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2012-12-16, 8:24 p.m.

I can't quite seem to shake this feeling of emptiness that is residing inside of me.
It seems like so many people I know have made huge strides in their lives in the recent months. There are so many pregnancies, second pregnancies, new homes, new relationships and it just seems like so many people are so much more... ok than I am right now.
I think to soem degree it has a lot to do with the fact that I am getting absolutely no satisfaction from my job. I do not leave at the end of the day and feel like I have done anybody any good or made any sort of different at all. Even when I was landscaping, I felt accomplished at the end of the day and I knew I did a good job. When I was teaching, particularly at the lower income schools, I knew that I had done something positive each and every day. But working for a huge company in an office where I could probably have mulitple naps throughout the day without anybody noticing, I feel none of that. I do not feel any sort of positivity stemming from this at all. I get told that I am doing a good job, and that I am really fast at what I do and I know I have a really good work ethic, especially compared to all of these pampered office girls, but it's not really enough. Neither was the awesome paycheck, or the doubletime for over time.
At various points in my adult life I have felt a general sense of "this is where I am supposed to be." This not one of those times. I feel like this is *not* where I am supposed to be. This is not who I am.
Sigh.
5 more days of work before I am off for 10 days for xmas, and 10 more days until California, which is one of the main things getting me through these days.
I can do it...

life - death