wish I knew
2012-10-28, 11:51 p.m.

I am now in the position that I have feared I would end up in... I am working a full time job as a landscaper even though the mowing season is over. I worked a week doing manual snow removal, and then was trained to drive our 2 sanding trucks. I am not happy about this. I have constant anxiety which results in an upset stomach and constant pounding headache. I interviewed for an office admin position with Pen's company on friday but I don't really know if I want that job either.
Here is my issue
-Apparently the school division to the north of the city is going to be hiring on Thurs of this coming week, if I get hired as a sub, then I still need my landscaping position on a casual basis
-So do I take the office job (if it's offered to me, don't find out until the end of the week) and quit landscaping, then worry about finding work to supplement subbing after?
-Do I just continue landscaping and hope to get a sub job and potentially wind up stuck there all year?
-What if I want my job back in the spring for cutting, and they're mad/full?
I am so torn and so worried about all of this stuff 24/7. I am not terribly happy, and I feel "ripped off" as my dad put it, about going to school for 8 1/2 years and having the option of being an office bitch, or a person who drives a big beast of a truck through the shittiest part of the winter in the dead of night.
As tough as all of this has been, even in the middle of 50 hours (in 4 days) of snow removal, I was just relieved I wasn't still stuck in the classroom I was student teaching in last year. I just scanned through some posts on here of this time last year, and it all just reminded me of how horrible she was to me, and that it wasn't me just being sensitive. I *HATE* snow removal, but if I'm more content doing it than I was in her classroom... I sometimes wonder what I would say to her if I ran in to her, if I would play nice and carry on or if I would make some horrible comment of her shitty review of me prenventing me from getting a job.
I worked about 65 hours this past week, while my body and mind are exhausted, it's also given me a really nice break from obsessing over all my crap. Mostly I'm just too tired to think about anything other than work.

life - death