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2012-10-01, 9:04 p.m.

So, I knew that not going back to school this year was going to be weird and that it would take some adjusting. But that, being combined with one of my best friends getting fired from the company I work for, food poisoning, a massive hang over and some sort of stomach flu, it resulted in about 10 days of crying. I'd like to think that I'm done with the tears for now, but who really knows.
I really wasn't prepared for all of the emotions that this situation would unleash. Along with all of this, I have anxiety that I haven't experienced in a long time and that cripping feeling of not being able to get out of bed, which I'm pretty sure is a bit of depression.
In the next couple days we start fall clean ups at work, and this year I am supposed to be driving the big truck to get some practice in for the winter because I am supposed to be driving it as the sanding truck through the night. I am fairly sure that this is the main source of my anxiety. Everything about the idea of driving through the night makes me feel panicky.
After spending a day in the shop today (a lot of days in the winter are spent in the shop) I came home to conduct more job searches. There really has to be *something* I can do this winter instead of landscaping and that can potentially make me more appealing to a school board for next year.
I feel a little bit unhappy, as well as super overwhelmed. I have no idea what to do with myself, but I know I don't want to do what I'm doing all winter.
And... wednesday officially marks the date that darren and I decided 3 years ago, that we would start trying to have a baby. And on some level I know that it's breaking my heart that it's not happening. And I don't know if it ever will.

life - death