2012-09-03, 8:41 p.m.

Tomorrow marks the day that many of my former classmates begin teaching. Lots of them will have their own classes and have spent the past few weeks getting their rooms organized and preparing for the next big step.
I, however am continuing on with my landscaping career. This is the first fall since I was 3 years old that I was not in school, I started kindergarten at the age of 4 in 1990, and have been going ever since. This feels somewhat unnatural and kind of uncomfortable to be doing something different. I always kind of enjoyed the whole tradition of getting ready for school, getting something new to wear, buying a few new school supplies etc. It always felt like a possibility for new beginning, regrowth... something something new I guess. I fell in love for the first (and second... and third) time in the fall, and I guess I always just have the lingering hope that something good is going to be right around the corner for me this year (or any year) as well. Just a strange twinge of optimism that I generally lack so deeply.
I'm listening to old music again tonight. A CD I made in fall of 2001, when things went from really good to really bad all the time, based on Will's whereabouts and how he was treating me at the time. It's kind of sad, but I think I justified all the bad with how happy I was when things were good.
I'm exactly the same.

life - death