I don't know who I am
2012-05-03, 8:35 p.m.

So, this is me being incredibly self pitiful. Over really stupid, old bull shit.
so at work there is one other girl, she's like 21, gorgeous, skinny (and dumb as fuck). But it gets mentioned regularly how pretty she is. Even Chris was talking about her this morning (about how dumb she is) and he finished his sentence with "she's lucky she's pretty" I know what's something you usually say about dumb girls who don't have anything, but it just brought meinto this whole tailpsin of pitiful thoughts.
I reiterated the conversation to Darren on our way home tonight, and I think i said something about how nobody ever says that kinda thing about me, and he said "you're pretty tooo." and I replied with "not as pretty as her" and got silence in repsonse. I *know* I'm not as pretty as her, but to get silence in response to that was depressing.
It then lead me to all my typical thoughts of
-Nobody wants to marry me, 2 guys wanted to marry me when I was 18... and now nobody
-I am a 26 year old with 2 university degrees, working as a landscaper in a company where I have advanced as far as I ever can
-I am completely average, in looks, intelligence, everything. And it's all I will ever be
-I am not going to get any smarter or any better looking at this point in time
-Which brings me to the even scarier thought---it really is all downhill from here?

I feel like I am having an indentity crisis. I'm not a teacher, I'm not a student. I don't really see myself being a life long landscaper, and I feel like I don't really know who I am, or where I belong. I guess I never really felt like I belong anywhere in particular before, but the feeling seems to be amplified lately.

Being in Edmonton on the weekend definitely didn't help my feelings. My cousin's 21 year old girlfriend got pregnant (she planned it... didn't tell him) and there she is, 21, and everything is so easy for her, totally handed to her. She went to school for a year, worked for a couple, and her parents bought her a house. And then there's my stupid cousin, 30 years old, and I can almost guarantee that his parents still pay his phone bill. It just feels like everything is so easy for both of them. And I fully understand that life isn't fair. But I just want something to be easy for me for once. I want some thing, anything to just fall into place, for me to get what I want.

i dunno....
That's my answer to almost everything these days. I dunno...
I don't know anything...

life - death