I miss you both
2012-02-11, 12:56 a.m.

I don't end up driving by myself late at night that often anymore, especially not in the winter. I am kind of surprised I let it happen after my recent relapses with my PTSD and the anxiety that accompanies it, but I think I'm finally getting past it, which is good, but honestly kind of weird after 3 years. So I was coming home from Pen's around midnight, and it took me back to winter 2004, something just felt the same, I would have been driving home from lower Mount Royal, from the bed of somebody that I was so happy to have been in. I love when I get these feelings, regardless of how brief they may be. I love being taken back in time, just for that instant rush-or whatever you want to call it, I don't know. It felt good, to be driving amidst the quieter than usual streets (the streets here never really empty) listening to music, I felt content. A feeling that I long for in these recent months. For the moments in time where I feel that everything is ok. For weeks I had that feeling that *something* was coming, something good was right around the corner, it still hasn't happened, and the feeling has subsided somewhat, but I still keep hoping that something amazing is in store for me- and soon. I kept thinking that maybe it's the anxiety/nerves/apprehension regarding a letter I am expecting to receive any day that pretty much will be saying "thanks but no thanks - enjoy your snow shoveling career" or "congrats, you will finally be able to make a dent in your student loans, but say good bye to your life for 10 months out of the year for the rest of your working days." I don't actually know which is worse- but I also don't think that this is what has been plaguing me...
Last year, I loved my time AWAY from my classmates, I was so tired of talking about lesson plans, and books and lectures etc. I wanted to talk about ANYTHING BUT. And this term, I have began to make deeper connections with my peers, and I find that I am wanting to talk to the, but this is also due to the fact that the majority of them are in the exact same position I am right now - waiting-waiting-waiting. The more I talk to them, the more I realize how unoriginal my fears are, we are all experiencing this right now, we are all terrified about what's around the corner. We have no idea if we are going to get jobs, or how we are going to manage actually being teachers, who have 30 kids to deal with for however-many hours per week. I'm kind of scared to leave the program, scared to be anything other than a student. As frustrating as the program has been, there is something so... comfortable about walking into a lecture hall of 400+ people, and recognizing a chunk of them, and actually having friends to sit with every day, friends to eat lunch with, friends who drive me home, friends to ride the train with. All the aspects that I felt that I lacked so intensely through the rest of my (very long) university career.
Over the past few weeks my "engagement" ring was in being repaired and shined up, and I realized that my male peers were definitely more interested in being my friends. Most of my small classes have about 4-6 guys in them, and I find that I usually am sitting with at least a few of them, Evan says they are drawn to me because I am "safe" but I don't really know what that means, but I can't help but make the connection the lack of the ring. And I have to admit that I love it, I love that there's a guy who makes a point of saying hello and good bye to me, he addresses me by name, sometimes I catch him staring at me. I love that a prof noticed me and another guy being chatty (yes... it still happens in post graduate level university classes) and poking at each other, I assume he she figured he was flirting with me, I kind of like to think that he was, although that is kind of sad. Oh well. Although I wouldn't say that I am getting my self esteem from how men react to me (as I have been accused of (rightfully) in the past) it does feel nice that I am liked, and maybe not even in a "I want to be your boyfriend" kind of way, but just that there are 25 other girls they could be sitting with, and they seem to think I'm worthy. maybe I'm reading too far into this... but that's ok, it's just nice to think that others might like me too. haha.

life - death