Workin on livin
2012-01-14, 1:57 p.m.
Thing's aren't good.
For days I have had this sense of... discomfort I guess I could call it. Nothing really felt right, I'm anxious and sad. And I realized, that it's the feeling of vulnerability. As an adult in a long term relationship, it is not something that I am used to feeling. It's terrible. feeling as though at any point, everything could change, and I will be the one left behind to pick up the pieces. That any wrong step I take, could result in the demise of my relationship. Of course there are concessions that could be made on my behalf, I can do the begging, pleading and compromising. But are any of the issues at hand really anything I am willing to bend on? I am so scared of losing everything that I'm *almost* tempted to sacrifice everything that I have wanted for my entire life. As an adult in a settled relationship, am I really so afraid of being alone that I am willing to let all of this change what I really want?
I have never felt so lost, I have no idea what to do. The only thing that I really know is that I don't want to live with my parents. At 26 years old that is pretty much the most depressing thing I could ever imagine. "yeah gave the whole independence thing a try... it's been 6 years but here I am back in the nest." I would lose my fucking mind.
I wish this could all just sort itself out, but I don't really see that happening. I don't know what's going to happen, and that is probably why I am having such a hard time with this. For the first time in my life, I am actually having what I would call "relationship problems."
I hurt so much, I go to bed sad, and wake up sad. I have dreams if things that make me happy, and then feel even worse once I realize that it was only a dream.
life - death