long time gone
2009-12-19, 11:53 p.m.

I'm 24 now, I was merely 23 the last time I updated this diary. So much has happened, but on the same note, so little has happened. I'm still here doing relatively the same things, complaining over the same old shit. But to some degree I really think I have grown some this past semester. While some amount of growth over any period of time is completely natural, this felt a little bit more obvious.
I completed my first 30 hours of mandatory volunteering in an Elementary school, realized that I'd been spelling elementary as 'elementry' for many years, and I was thankful for the spell check option on the program that we use to submit a journal of our experiences in the class. I spent my time in a grade 3 class and ended up falling in love with about 18 out of 21 of them. They were adorable, they are bright, witty and fun. I think a few of them really liked me, I think I have a natural 'way' with children that most people don't. This one little boy got particularly attached to me and wanted my constant attention, sometimes it was frustrating and I wanted to be able to do ANYTHING without him asking to work with me, but to be honest, I really liked the attention, it felt nice to be wanted, even if it was by an 8 year old.
I ended up putting in almost 10 actual volunteer hours, and spent some time in the class by my choice, and yesterday was the last day before their Christmas break, and we sat in a circle and each student was to say what their favourite part of the term was, 2 kids said me. It felt so nice. One of the kids who said I was the best part of the term got really interested in a shirt I had been wearing the previous day, it had pink circles or something on it, and it's a lot more flashy than the solid black that I usually wear, but he seemed to really like it. Which I was thought was really cute.
I worked a lot with one boy who I think made some real progress, and I hope that in some degree even though I'm nowhere near being a teacher, that I helped him, even a little bit.
This is the first time I feel that I have really given my schooling a fair effort. I have been a lazy student, and I mean this in a very non self critical low self esteem sort of way, it's just the truth. Looking at my marks from past semesters, I'm sort of embarrassed, they were quite pathetic. But these are my marks that determine my future, since I'm not actually in the education program that I need to be in yet, (just trying to get some hands on experience and boost my grades to apply to the real Masters of Teacher program at the real university) I really have to get the grades that will allow me to do what I NEED to do. I need to work with children, and even more so, I need to have some of my own.
For the past few weeks my mood has been terrible, the effects of my PTST have really been showing their ugly little faces since the weather has turned here. I feel isolated and anxious. I am scared to go anywhere but at the same time I'm lonely and bored. I worry that these are early symptoms of agoraphobic like behaviour. I should see what the rates of cormidity are for PTST/Depression/agoraphobia/persisting anxiety. I feel like by typing this all out, I am releasing a heavy weight that has been sitting on my shoulders for way too long. I am listening to Everclear, just typing what comes to mind, and I can feel myself breathing a little easier. I finished a full summer as a crew leader. It was good for me. That I know for sure. I did really well with the responsibility, I liked being treated like an adult, knowing that if shit went wrong that it fell on my shoulders. I liked knowing that Bruce was talking to me a *fairly* equal playing ground, when he had mostly treated me like I was 14 before, he made a few references early in the summer to me being a little girl, but I like to think I really proved myself to him. I know more about the 1 ton trucks and the Walker ride on mowers than a lot of the other guys do, including Chris who is supposedly in management. Sometimes I think Chris had me so high on a pedostel that I got away with things that I wouldn't have if he weren't in love with me. I think a lot of the time I also got off easy because Bruce knows that if he raises hell with me, then he raises hell with Darren. I guess if I were a moral person I would have addressed this issue and said no special treatment regardless of other people's personal emotional feelings towards me, but really I just think it gave me more of an opportunity to proove myself. Apparently early inthe summer, when the recession was really showing it's effects on the company, I was still struggling to meet my expected time quotas, me and Bruce butted heads a couple times and APPARENTLY he went to Darren and had a conversation regarding my failure to ride the mower like an Indie Car racer and if I was fired what the fall out between Darren and Bruce would be. Darren said he had to have my back, so Bruce had to keep me around. I'm not really sure if that's fair or if I like that at all, but I caught up, and eventually kicked ass. And as a person with generally low regard for herself, I really think I did a good job. On my last day of the summer I was thanked by the company owner for making things so easy for management and stuff like that, and it was nice, it felt so good to get some sort of recognition. Maybe in the past I rarely actually tried to actually succeed because my efforts weren't usually acknowledged anyways. Maybe this is making me feel a million times better because I don't really have anybody to talk to. My friends have really dispersed in recent years, and I find myself lonely most of the time. Darren isn't really a good listener at the best of times, so it's nice to just get whatever is on my mind out. I've been watching lot of old Friends episodes on DVD, and as much as I love it and it makes me laugh, it really reminds me of how I don't have 5 friends, or even really 1... That seems sad. It makes me sad just typing it. I met a few girls this past semester, one ended up being an actual bitch, not just somebody who wasn't that nice to me, but an actual bitch, she was also a bit of a liar. The same age as me and currently in the process of divorcing her husband, so I suppose her bitterness can be somewhat excused... I met another girl I actually liked, but I caught her lying to me one day, and it stung so bad that she'd make up a bad excuse not to hang out with me, then talk about it right in front of me, she really wasn't a bright girl, but I liked her. Darren says maybe I'm needy. I don't think I portrayed myself as even slightly needy to either of these girls, but oh well. I'll keep to myself. I assume that the most prevalent theme throughout this nearly 7 year old diary is my ongoing loneliness. I used to think that if things were all planned out for us a head of time, then it was my fate to die young, and die miserable. Now I just think I'm supposed to be lonely... It seems sort of morbid that by 13 I was already thinking that my life would end by my own hand.

life - death