a total mess of randomness
2009-01-17, 4:00 a.m.

So today I first began to feel the smallest bit of normalcy returning to my life. I was able to go out for a couple hours without major panic, it is only like the 5th time I have left the house at all since the accident happened. So we went to Kevin's with the intention of going to a rock show afterward, we never made it to the show so we just went to wal mart and hung out with Kevin. And I felt ok, like honest to goodness ok for the first time in a week. Darren bought me a book because he felt bad that we didn't make it to see Chuck's band play, it didn't really matter either way to me, I just wanted to get out for a bit. But then I spilled the milk shakes, and it just felt like this huge stupid tragedy all over again. i don't know why, it's totally ridiculous, one of the milk shakes was Kevin's, and he didn't mind, the floor mat of Neil's van is 100% washable... but it just felt bad. I don't know why. I don't think my brain really knows how to deal with all of this quite yet. I haven't made it to school yet, my body just wants to sleep and bath. Kind of a tough way to get anything done. So I had a wonderful time with Kevin, like old times before the whole me dating his brother thing came into the picture, we just chatted and were silly. And after i recovered from the milkshake incident I called my parents (this was at like 12:10am) just to see what was going on, I guess I needed somebody to talk to, I have been talking to my mom multiple times a day lately, but she was in bed, so I ended up talking to my dad for almost an hour and a half. And it was great, we just chatted about cars, houses, the economy and all that stuff, it was so refreshing. I can't even remember that last time I talked to somebody on the phone for an hour and a half. In the entire month I've had my new phone I've only talked on it about 5 hours up until tonight. I even managed to keep the cat talk to a minimum, which has been hard lately. So i was ready to get into bad, feeling optimistic (which is rare for me even at the best of times) I decided I want to buy land, and build a house from the ground up, doing as much as possible with the help of our families. I would call it the house that love built. I could tell Darren thought it was ridiculous, maybe it is, but when you're trying to just get through right now, sometimes it helps to have something to dream for, to look forward to. I could feel myself kind of choking up when he didn't really seem interested. So I got ready to get into bed, ready to type how I finally felt on the verge of OK today. And all of a sudden I was in the hall way crying. It feels like nobody cares that I didn't die... There is one person specifically who has been borderline snarky to me. Maybe this accident doesn't seem like a big deal to other people because we managed to walk away from it, but it was a big deal. If any one variable had been different I could be dead. If there hadn't been 2' of snow, then truck could have been further crunched, our necks could have broke when we rolled onto the roof, if we had rolled once more we would have been in north bound traffic and been hit by a car going 110+km/hour. Rico easily could have been ran over or disappeared into the farmers field. This accident was a big deal. I lay awake at night and recount every detail while my heart beats what feels like a million beats per second, I have left to leave the house alone,
But I feel like my friends, and relatives don't care. Maybe they shouldn't... I dunno, but I was very upset about this. Maybe it's my bodies way of dealing with all the stress I haven't come to terms with yet. I know it's there, my skin is breaking out, my hair is coming out in clumps, but I just can't feel it yet.
Maybe I only felt good today because I took half an ativan before bed, so I slept soundly, no dreams, no anxiety, maybe I was crying because I was coming off it. I dunno. But I do know I should reconsider a couple friendships.
How is it that out of everybody I know, there is one person (other than my mom, who had to drag me out of the house yesterday just so I got out, bless her heart) who genuinely cares, who checks in on me every day, who asks how I feel, if I made it to school. All the right things. I'm not sure if there could ever be the words to express my love for him, my gratitude for having him around...
To some degree i think I may still be reeling in what happened. I still can't believe we found Rico. I look at him a million times a day, squeeze him to he runs off, nuzzle my face on his head. Maybe it's getting weird. I just would have lost it if we hadn't found him. For days afterward I still felt like the worst was yet to come, that the shit hadn't even begun to hit the fan, that we were going to be injured, get in another accident, that Rico was going to be gone. It was so irrational but I had such a hard time getting past it... I'm really hoping that the worst of this is behind me, that I can move on and resume my life...

life - death