2008-12-22, 3:39 a.m.

i don't know why I have started staying up until the dead of night. i feel like I am obligated to stay up as late as I possibly can... just because I don't have to get up in the morning. It really doesn't make sense. i watch TV all night, I search and search to find something even semi interesting so that I have an excuse to leave the tv on. Darren isn't around a lot of nights these days due to him having to plow through the night, so it gets realllly quiet around here.
I finished my exam on the 10th, and I was supposed to have an essay done on the 9th, but it ended up being a week late. And I am finally done school for the semester. It still feels sort of foreign to have all this free time on my hands. It makes me progressively more lazy though... Instead of being all like yeah I haven't done anything in 36 hours, now I have all this energy, I'm like hmm... better watch some more tv. I really wanted to be able to get to the gym for a few weeks before christmas and going to kelonwa, but it hasn't happened so far. So due to that and me being very lazy, and getting lonely/bored and snacking at night consequently, I am going to be very fat for that wedding in Kelowna.
It is 3 45am, and Darren just got called into work. I hate him being out in the night, it makes me so anxious. It was especially bad when I didn't have a phone for a few days and there was no way for us to get a hold of each other. My poor phone drowned on the day of my exam, my new (BPA free) water bottle opened up in my bag and my phone never worked again.
RIP Little blue phone June 3, 2006-December 10, 2008
So here I am at nearly 4am, watching Pulp Fiction, kinda, Sadie is laying against my left leg on the couch. Darren is getting ready for work.
I will be spending my first Christmas away from my parents this year... On wed. night we have to leave my parent's house and drive down to Claresholm to spend the holidays with Darren's family. I wish i could say that this is ok and I'm willing to adjust, but I'm really dreading it. Erin is getting progressively worse every time I see her, and they just bought a house so I'm sure we'll get to hear alllll about that. i don't mean to be petty and spiteful and jealous, but really I don't give a shit.
I have been so ridiculously cranky the past few days, I don't really know why. Everything just makes me so angry. i don't know if it's from the stress of christmas, being unemployed makes buying gifts a bit more difficult, it's hard watching the money I've saved all semester slow dwindle. Whiel i am more than happy to spend money on something that I know my parents will love, it feels so pointless blowing my money on things that I am buying because I don't have any better ideas. THAT is very stressful. And it doesn't help that my Grandpa had bypass surgery on saturday. While I know it is totally routine and whatever at this point, it is still scary, knowing he is sick, uncomfortable, in the hospital, gone for Christmas, and the worst case sceanario is always in the back of my head... the what ifs.

life - death