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2008-10-05, 11:01 p.m.

there are weekends like last that I can't wait to end, and then there are weekends like this one, that I wish never happened.
Yesterday was Darren's birthday and he never wants to celebrate, but this year Chris suggested something that appealed to Darren so invited everybody here with the intention of walking over to see the show Chris wanted to see. so Chris never showed up (surprise surprise) and Darren ended up waaay too drunk, and decided we should go see a different friend's band play at another nearby place. So we start walking and i soon realize that me buying Darren the larger bottle of whiskey (with the intention of it lasting him until christmas) was a ridiculous idea, it's almost gone, and he smashes the end of the bottle on the sidewalk. starts body slamming and punching telephone poles, kicking over newspaper boxes... He flipped off a van full of Sudanese guys who were naturally very offended, and my first thought was ohh shit he's going to get shot. We get to the pub and things seemed to be going alright, but Johnnys girlfriend needed a drinking partner so she started buying him shots... So Brad's band finally started playing and we moved to the front of the bar to see them and I noticed that Courtney was yanking on the front of his shirt, i was kind of annoyed, that would be a bottle of whiskey, his shirt and the headphones I bought him, all down the drain, so I just hid behind Kevin for a few minutes to calm down and all of a sudden I saw all the bouncers rushing outside... So i go out there and Darren is on his knees on the ground, just surrounded, so finally somebody told me that he had ripped Courtney;s shirt, so she;s crying, i'm screaming, I asked him WHAT THE FUCK, and kind of wacked his head, not hard, just tryign to get his attention, and one of the bouncers took that as a sign that it';s okt to beat on him, and punched him ridiculously hard in the face, while he was kneeling on the ground... So then I'm really losing it, Darren has blood dripping down his face, a bunch of girls are yelling at me, I'm trying to get some cops, but am too incoherent to tell them what happened... So I just take off, expecting somebody to grab me and take me home, but nobody did, so I ended up sitting in a parking lot at the corner of southland and macleod, hiding behding a bush, talked to pen for a few minutes. i was in just a total state of... panic?? i dunno, i didnt know what to do, where to go, anything. I think I just assumed that everybody would be back at my place sorting everything out, and I wasn't ready to talk yet, so i waited until i was cold, and then stood outside, looking up into our suite, and saw Sadie sitting on the back of his chair, and realized I had to go up. And it turned out nobody was there, Mike and Kevin buzzed in right as i was walking into the building. so they told me that Darren had gone to the police station to have himself arrested for sexual assault. he calls me what feels like hours later, asking for courtney's phone number, i end up talking to one of the cops, and he seemed pretty calm about it all. Darren finally came home at 2am, didn't say a word to me, just went to bed. i didn't even get a look at his face until he got up this morning. and i nearly threw up, it was horrible, blood caked on all down one side of his face, all swollen, with a horrible black eye. i was choooked. i could barely look at him without feeling my stomach turn. all night i kept waking up and just seeing and hearing that punch over and over again. seeing his body just go limp and nearly hitting his head on a car. he kept asking me to look at him, and telling me he doesn't deserve me, over and over again, i had to tell him he was beautiful.
he's all apologies, it's not like Darren to toss apologies around... he's trying to offer me the world at this point, and I don't know if it's because he realized that I could easily not of wanted to be a part of this bull shit or his life any more or what, but he told me he'd buy me a shirt (as well as a new one for courtney) a new ipod and that we will start a wedding account, which I guess means he is willing to bend a little when it comes to making our wedding plans.
our house is now a 'dry house' no booze, no drugs. it should have been done ages ago, he cannot tolerate alcohol, nor can he cut himself off. i should have known that that big of a bottle of whiskey could not be good. i feel so stupid.
work tomorrow should be nice and awkward. i talked to courtney for a few minutes today and she seemed ok with everything. i don't know if she was really upset or feeling violated last night, or if she was just screaming cuz she was drunk. i have no idea. having had a couple drinks myself everything feels a little bit hazy.
i don't know what to make out of this a tall
on the plus side, apparently Bruce and Doug think I was running the crew a bit last week and they were really impressed with what they saw. There is talk of buying me a truck and having me run a 2 man crew next year, and while im happy that they are finally coming around, it still feels like a slight, like they don't trust me to be able to manage a trailer, and a 3 man crew. little does bruce know I have been driving with a trailer for probably 6 weeks now... if not more. but there is no point in getting at all worried about any plans for next summer yet, because these plans are all going to change 15 times by the time spring actually comes around.

life - death