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2008-03-31, 1:17 a.m.

For the last while, perhaps the last year or so, I have become somewhat fixated on the fact that I'm getting "old." Often I feel so much older than I should. Or maybe I just have become keenly aware of the passing of time, and the fact that I'm not 18 anymore...
But this weekend, I felt like I stepped into a time machine and that I was like 14 years all over again. Shy and awkward, hiding in my mother's shadow. I went away with my family for the first time since my grandpa passed away nearly 3 years ago. And as soon as we got to Edmonton, my brother took off, so I was left with my parents and aunt for the whole weekend. I had plans to see 2 girls up there, but they both ditched. One of them it doesn't matter, but I'm not gonna lie, I was/am pretty choked/hurt about Lindsay "forgetting" that this was the weekend I was coming. So yeah, I spent the whole weekend with them. And I just felt like the little girl tagging along with her parents, feeling somewhat uncomfortable and awkward. I am quite close to my aunt, so I take any opportunity I can get to spend time with her, so last night her and I went to get what is ACTUALLY her step daughter, no blood relation to her or me, but she's always been a cousin to me, and my aunt was telling her I burnt her a cd, and she goes "way to go Alli!!!" like I was 2 years old and just took my first shit in the toilet... Usually I feel that I'm taken seriously for the most part and talked to as an adult, I don't know what about this weekend made me feel so pathetic and be treated as though I was a little girl again all of a sudden. It was all so weird. I think it must have been another one of those situations (second time recently) where I must have been giving off a general feeling of patheticness. My mom bought me a Hollister t shirt, and $25 t shirts aren't something she usually splurges on, and this was after my dad gave me $20, and then my aunt slipped me another $20 later on. Now that I learned that Darren is broke and I have to cover rent this weekend... that $40 has to go even further, even though I think it was intended to buy myself something at west ed. I felt sort of bad for my dad this weekend, I'm not really sure why, I just felt like he was feeling disappointed or cast aside... He wanted to see everything and do everything, eat everywhere. And nobody else was really interested, yesterday my mom and aunt sat in the food court, while I went with my dad to find him something to eat (I wasn't hungry, I just felt bad at the idea of him being alone I guess) so we walked around, he knew I wanted a pepsi, but no food, we walked around the whole food court, still had no food, so I sat down, and he went to A&W, and at last minute, he stopped at another place, with his hands full and got me a pepsi. It was just a small gesture that was really sweet. And then since we were there for the baby shower, he got ditched again today, he left at 11:30, and just drove around Edmonton alone, and ended up what I think was hopelessly lost, he got back to my aunt's an hour and a half later than he was supposed to. He went to a mall alone, got breakfast and all sorts of stuff. All weekend I kept wondering if being with them all weekend would make me wish I lived with them again, but I most definitely do not. He got back pissed off and cranky, which made for a stressful car trip. Me and my brother were both so car sick cuz he was swerving and shit.... I won't even get started on his driving. As soon as we got back to my parents all hell really broke loose, and all I could hear was something about him calling my brother a stupid little asshole and something about a fucking computer... So I just left. After spending the weekend in a million dollar house, seeing the baby and everything, i was feeling pretty choked, so the last thing I needed was to hear a huge stupid fight.
Brandon and April's baby is so beautiful and so amazing it made my heart ache. Out of anything in the world that I want (which is a lot these days) it's a baby that I want tothe point it makes me cry. I definitely was on the verge of tears on the entire way home. I know so many people who were so fucked up, underage and so on,and now just have it all, the house, the kid, husband, car etc. And here I am going about it the hard way like a sucker.

life - death