Today I had my first experience trying on what I like to refer to as "big girl clothes" meaning dress pants and what not. I was hoping to put on those nice clothes, and feel all classy and sexy. But really, I felt like a chubby little girl playing dress up in her mom's clothes, hoping to feel like a grown up, but knowing that I look pretty silly. So this (amongst other things) has left me feeling somewhat distressed. I realized I was buying clothes for a job/interview that I didn't even have. And as a result I'm worrying that I won't find a job, and that I'll end up landscaping, and then I worry that I actually WANT to landscape. And then I think about all the nauseus early mornings, the persistent anxiety, people compaining (behind my back) that I'm too slow, being tired, and dirty all the time... I hated it soo much at the time (well the good days were fucking awesome, but the bad days made me wish I didn't have to wake up the next morning) and ever since, I often wake up and am like god I'm glad I'm not landscaping today, but all of a sudden today I'm thinking maybe I SHOULD. Forget about dress clothes, and riding the train to downtown.