2007-04-06, 11:24 p.m.

Today I had my first experience trying on what I like to refer to as "big girl clothes" meaning dress pants and what not. I was hoping to put on those nice clothes, and feel all classy and sexy. But really, I felt like a chubby little girl playing dress up in her mom's clothes, hoping to feel like a grown up, but knowing that I look pretty silly. So this (amongst other things) has left me feeling somewhat distressed. I realized I was buying clothes for a job/interview that I didn't even have. And as a result I'm worrying that I won't find a job, and that I'll end up landscaping, and then I worry that I actually WANT to landscape. And then I think about all the nauseus early mornings, the persistent anxiety, people compaining (behind my back) that I'm too slow, being tired, and dirty all the time... I hated it soo much at the time (well the good days were fucking awesome, but the bad days made me wish I didn't have to wake up the next morning) and ever since, I often wake up and am like god I'm glad I'm not landscaping today, but all of a sudden today I'm thinking maybe I SHOULD. Forget about dress clothes, and riding the train to downtown.
I thought that my recent loss of 5 pounds would help me feel better when the time came for me to try on dress clothes, but really, it was quite depressing. I found a couple things I liked, but nothing that I was like OH MY GOD I HAVE TO HAVE THIS RIGHT NOW!!!
It's funny that I should be worrying about my finals and the paper I have to write, but this is what is consuming my mind instead. It seems kind of silly. It's also really silly that this is the week I should have been particularily keen in school, but the truth of the matter is, I havn't been to school since Monday... Something inside me all of a sudden just sorta decided "fuck it" and I shut my alarm off each morning and continued to sleep until mid afternoon. I've always been a fan of sleeping, but I've never really been one to need 12-14 hours of sleeep. Either I'm sick or depressed. I can't really decide.
I did make it to the gym 3 days this week, which is pretty good I must say. And although my scale is saying I've lost 5 pounds, I don't see it.
Argh. I feel... displeased

life - death