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2007-02-13, 12:48 p.m.

I feel sorta weird today. I keep having these dreams that leave me sort of puzzeled when I wake up. Like sunday morning I was dreaming about peircings, and woke up and decided that it would be super hot to go and get my labret peirced. I'm still sort of tempted, but Darren has absolutely no interest in that whatsoever. I usually tend to do as I please, But I don't really know if it's cool to put something on my face that he'll hate. Especially since I'm so adament against him getting tattooes. I think since his first one is such a fucking joke, he should probably stay away from putting anything permanent on his body. And then this morning I was dreaming about my old manager Krista, and cutting my hair. I just figured that I miss Krista, I miss having an 'adult' to talk to at work... I;m the 3rd oldest now, and Lindsey doesn't act any better than those 16 year olds, so she doesn't even count. What sort of manager gossips about her employees and tells us all who she does and doesn't like. She definitely doesn't like me, I havn't heard that through the gossip, but her actions speak fairly clearly. I miss Krista!!
And I think I just need to make some sort of change... something minor, something just to spice things up a little I suppose.
I'm supposed to be in class right now, but it's -20 and snowing, and I decided fuck it, I'm not going to a boring ass hour and half long class that I'm going to stare at the ceiling in, and send text messages... Not really worth the 2 hours of being on the train and walking the freezing cold.
So what should I do? What would make me excited? Buying things doesn't seem to be helping any more. And I couldn't possibly think of anything else I could ever need. I have more clothing than could ever fit in my closet, even when the majority is in the wash, my closet is still full. And due to my plummeting confidence in my body, most of it remains in the closet, while I wear the same few, concealing pieces most days. I've lost a few pounds. nothing barely worth mentioning. And it's not come without a ton of work at the gym, and resisting the urge to consume every peice of food that crosses my path. It's getting easier I find. I was so used to just snacking at night, sit at my computer and have some chips, and then a cookie and then some fruit snacks and so on. But we havn't bought potato chips or cookies in about a month now. and at first it was toture, I was hungry for it all constantly, but it feels like I've gotten used to not having it, and it's so much easier. I hate the way my face looks when I'm fat. It makes me want to throw up. But oh well, a pound is a pound, and I've lost two. Gotta count for something. My goal to feel "better" is march 21, that's just over a month, and I'd like to loose at least 5 more pounds. Although my goal for that date was 15 originally, but I had best be realistic.
I'm starting to feel old lately. I don't really know what's brought it on. But I feel as though maybe I've become too old to be one of the giggling girls at the back of the bus, it might be ok for two 16 year old girls to giggle and act silly, but what about 21?
My brain has been going nonstop lately. And it's all so random, and lacking the necessary information to tell me what it all means! I sometimes wish I was back in grade 11, being the little emo girl. *sigh* i've been listening to my burnt cds from grade 11, and I can't help but laugh, it's so easy to figure out pretty much exactly when I burnt them. (they are labeled "A nameless cd" volumes 1 through 3) the first one is full of the saddest music possibly, that was me in the Will era. And the 2nd one is mostly classic rock, a little bit more fun. And the 3rd one, which I'm listening to right now, is a bit harder rock. Which I can only assume is from the post-will of grade 11 era (we must not forget that he returned never again, although he's gone for good now. FINALLY) Some of it is a bit angry, and was probably considered QUITE angry for that time in my life. It's nice to take a blast to my past though. Each song has some sort of memory. Right now I'm listenting to Bubba O'Reilly, and remembering how I really thought i was a teenage wasteland when I listened to this song. And the Blitzcreig Bob or however you spell it, always reminds me of Layla, when she was teaching me how to parallel park in front of my house, and she insisted they were saying "lets keep fucking" and i said it was "lets keep up" and yeah it's blitzgreig bop. we looked it up. studying on the floor in front of my bed made me feel particularly remniscant of that period of time as well. except back then I likely had books piled beside me, with the mere intention of studying, but I probably cried/listened to music/talked on the phone until the notion passed.
Silly Darren stole my sound card (he insists it's his, but I say he gave me the computer. WITH the soundcard in it. GRRR) so I have my discman hooked up to our Bose speakers. cuz my ipod is... sleeping... or in a coma.
Well since I'm skipping class, I should probably get in my studying that I said I'd do, and best to do it while Darren's not here, cuz he never shuts up once he comes home. hehe.
And here's a few pics, cuz I've just been testing out my new camera a bit.

brrr it was soo cold. Little did we know the bus would take 20 minutes to come, and stupid me for decided to take the bus instead of the train. It took me forever to get home. but Darren took me for beer and wings at the Ranchmens. It was soo nice. Perfect harmony. It felt like the old dates. Before we were an old married couple ;)

life - death