2006-06-13, 12:11 a.m.
I feel like I should be writing, getting all these emotions out of me and into this computer and left there forever. I want to get everything I feel away from me, but due to some past unwanted 'analysis' from an uneducated source, I feel as though I should be keeping my thoughts private. But this is my diary, and I'm just letting any onlookers know what I think, and I can sum it all up in this term "Shut the fuck up" I do not need all the negative opinions of the man i love, yeah he fucks up. But it happens. I fuck up too, and even less shockingly, so do yo.
Yeah I'm bitchy, and it's not even related to the person I am indirectly being pissed off at. It's really more towards the manager of Garage, she's cut back my shifts, down to zero nonetheless, and Jenai (who was a manager until this past week) said she does that when she wants somebody to quit, and to talk to her. So I talk to her, and apparently i'm not 'performing' and she doesn't have the hours to give me, she was an absolute bitch right from the get go, and then goes and tells me I have an attitude. And then tells Jenai that I have i have a bad attitude and to send me home if i give her any problem. Fucking bitch, I was ready to snap, so i called darren to come see me, for comfort. and what does he do. he tells me i probably do have an attitude. so i sent him home. and he was begging for forgiveness as soon as I walked in the door, and I explained to him straight up that he let me down tonight, that he was supposed to be the one to comfort me, and instead he came home and I cried in the bathroom. He always seems to forget this particular discussion we had one night, it was a major one, over a year ago, dramatic, tears and all. him begging for me to be on his side, (he was telling me how much he hates cops) and i reminded him of that night, and how badly i needed him to take my side tonight. But he knew he fucked up. And he apologized, sincerily.
and where do I even begin about yesterday, to sum it all up I cried in bed all day, i'd get up, and it was like I just could't face this apartment, and i'd just end up back in bed in tears. then i'd sleep, get up and do it all again. I don't even really know what my problem was, but it was certainly pathetic. Saturday night I went out with David and James and some of their friends, i was the only girl amongst 7 guys, 3 of them were totally in awe of me, all trying to get hugs and cuddles (and likely an infamous blow job, thanks to david talking me up for 2 years, they finally meet me and think that i'm gonna put out...) David just had me all in his arms all night, one guy kept coming to get hugs from me and to whisper funny things in my ear, and David told me to stop hugging him because it was making him jealous. And James was strange as always, but kept giving me little tickles and just weird little motions. He's really the oddest kid i've ever met, and I don't even know what makes him so weird. james told me that he knew I was loving all the attention, and I really did, and now I remember how I got so involved with david, he made me feel like the fucking queen of the world (in the beginning anyways, when we were still playing the game of him begging me for attention and sex, and then the tables turned) All night he just kept whispering in my ear all the little misadventures and late night bed room romps we had. I miss being 18 sometimes so bad, and all the attention I got from so many different people, and but I know at the same time I would never give up what I have now, stability, a little family, my own apartment and a gorgeous loving man. It reminds me that all that confidence I once had was so fake, it was just given to me by those around me, man after man telling me i was beautiful. And now there's one man, and i know he loves me... But, sometimes i wish he showed it in a less...subtle way. I guess in general I miss fireworks, passion, the making out all night long and having numb puffy lips the next day.
Fuck I don't even know what I'm talking about, other than that I cried for an exceptionally long time yesterday and I'm quite pissed off at Carieanne, who I thought was fairly pleased with my performance. Hm We'll see who laughs her ass off at carieanne when she calls me all weekend and likely twice during the week to try and get me to come in. Usually I don't even bother to call her back, but if i get the oppourtunity I'll just laugh at her.
I guess I'm just short of becoming a full time landscaper girl. I'm not even just the water girl anymore, I went on a mowing crew thurs, fri and sat last week and likely every day for the next few weeks. It's hard work and I'm a bit sore (strangely enough less sore than after a day of watering) I'm worried I'm gonna have big huge muscly legs and big broad shoulders by the end of the summer though. My legs are like rock solid muscle already, my arms are getting there and there's even a layer growing on my tummy (underneath the 7 layers of fat). And i guess I'll start making some good cash too.
I took a spontanteous road trip to claresholm with kevin last night, we were taking his new underage girlfriend home, and then he shut off his phone and ditched me for 2 hours, while i sat at my grandparents and got pissed off at him. and most people know im terrified of kevin's driving, so on the way there i was in the back seat, and i drove his car on the way home. hahaha. and he didn't say a thing about it. he's the only person i know who will pull his own car off the highway so He can have a smoke, so that I don't get pissed off. i can't help but love the man
well the blister i got a week ago while hiking in banff opened all up when i took my sock off a few minutes ago (first day without bandaids, and i thought i was fine) well to say the least there is a lot of blood on the floor underneath my desk, as all as all the orange kraft dinner sauce. i guess im gonn have to get down there and actually scrub sometime soon. or i'll get darren to do it.
Ok it's 12:55, and I have to be up at 6:23, I decided that me and darren taking separate vehicles to work so that I don't have to sit around for half an hour is stupid, I'm gonna go at 7:30 and piss around, at least i know I'll be on time, cuz Doug is going to start noticing that my punctuality could use some improvement. (the punch in clock works in my favor though and is about 4 minutes slow, I got there at 1 minute to the hour on both friday and saturday, and 8 minutes late on thursday.)
Ok. Good night
life - death