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2006-04-22, 12:12 a.m.

i've been doing a lot of thinking through my current depression, but not coming up with much at all, at least nothing that i'm able to express or even make any sense of. But I keep thinking of this commercial that I often see on Showcase (I'm obsessed with Showcase, i admit) it's for a show called Billable Hours, I've never watched the show, but the commercial is pretty much showing this guy who's over eduacated and under stimulated, is how the ad puts it, and he's sitting in somebody's office, shreading all their documents... And I've never once thought to myself "wow I should watch that show" It's more like... fuck, i can so see that happening in my near future. Me sitting around, wasting intense amounts of time due to being 'understimulated'
So here we are, we're the 20 somethings of right now. Pretty much everybody I know is in the midst of a long term education goal. I'm 2 years into a 6 year program. I'm going into education, but I hardly know if I'm ever going to end up teaching. I don't really think I'm the type of girl who's even capeable of holding down a steady job. I dunno if it's because I'm 20, a flake or if i just lack work ethic.
So here we all are, we drop out, change our majors time after time and rack up tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, and I can't help but wonder why... What the fuck are we doing and what is so very wrong with us...
Everything I do is just not the right thing, i'm discontent bored and unhappy. Amongst other things, mostly negative.
This is mostly incomplete, I of course am overtired and will be going to bed shortly.

life - death