good bye today.
2006-03-11, 11:55 p.m.

-in claresholm-
well i've had a sad day. i'm not sure as to say why... but i've just been on the verge of tears since i got up. i miss my parents, and my grandpa. im starting to really miss my old house, and my room. and izzie. and my parents. i'm starting to think it might be better if me and darren go live in silver springs in the fall. but who knows. living on my own might end up being fun. but honestly... i havn't done a thing that i wouldn't have been able to do at home. me and darren havn't spent one night in the same bed. even if i fall asleep in his, i make myself get up at 2, and go to my own bed. i think it's a security thing, i'm clinging desperately to the familiar right now. and im starting to get my room in order. i have a couple posters on the wall (one of which the cats kinda wrecked) and i have my stereo up, so it's no longer on the floor, and ihave my mass amounts of stuff perched on every inch of the top of it.
but we went to lethbridge today, and i alternated sleeping and tearing up. we went to the awesome dollar store again. we got ice cube trays in the shape of fruits!!! and what else... a bath tub pillow, cuz im too short for our tub, like in my old tub i would like hold my self up with my legs, but this tub is too long, so i end up having to lean on like the back of my neck. and its cold and i don't want to be in that deep! i've gotten into the habit of having a bubble bath with candles on the days that i dont go to work until evening. the amount of hours im getting between my 2 jobs is devastating... like not nearly enough hours for me to be living on... after i go and sign me up for cable, a phone and internet. but i suppose of the bills end up being too much the phone and cable will have to go.
and we've decided to have our housewarming get together on friday... now that i think of it i can't help but wonder why i'm bothering. it's not like anybody really wants to see me. everybody has made that more than perfectly clear. altho me and braden did go out for lunch the other day. but he was soo blatantly judging me and our apartment. it wasn't good enough for him. not big enough, and it didn't have in suite laundry... well whatever.
and well here's something sad. i got my first speeding ticket a couple weeks ago. i was caught going 42 in a 30... it's an $85 fine, but im gonna go to fight it. so it'll likely get thrown out. im kinda scared to go to court tho.
i miss music. darren downloaded me the curious george soundtrack, but i miss having all my music on my computer, and im betting my brother has already deleted it all. oh well. we got yet another network card for my computer, so i should be downloading happily by this time tomorrow night.
hmm well i'm getting tired and cold..
i did a lot of laundry tonight. my coat was in the dryer but it was making a lot of noise, and i felt bad cuz dare's parents are sleeping, so it's air drying... i hope that works.
as much as im enjoying my conversation with aly, as i always do, it's time for this girl to crash
and hope for a day that doesn't make me want to cry...
i started crying in front of darren's mom tonight, for basically no reason, and got up and started my laundry, and cried in the laundry room.
im such a dumb ass sometimes.

life - death