my rant
2006-01-13, 1:10 a.m.

I'm in the mood to talk, but seeing as it's 1am, there's not really much of anybody to talk to. My dad came down for a few minutes, but I was watching my show and trying to pay attention to both him and the TV. I could talk to my cat, he's been sort of strange in the last couple days, he's sitting on what i think is my brother's backpack right now, sticking his tounge in and out like a froggie, and last night he was snuggling in my bed, like tucked right into a tiny little spot, but something kept scaring him, and he'd leap across the room, take a rest, leap again to a new spot, then come back to my bed, then wander around in the hall, and then come back. I finally shut the door after him getting scared kept scaring me, and he started meowing outside my door at like 4am, it's not like I was asleep, but sheesh, then he was knocking stuff over on the bathroom counter, so I took him downstairs, and then he was meowing in the hall again! And tonight i was sitting in my chair, and all over a sudden he leapt from behind me on the arm rest, so we were basically head touching head. I love my Izzie...
I've had terrible insomnia all week, sunday morning I saw 7:30, that's terrible eh? so sunday night I slept ok, cuz i was exhausted, but mon. tues and wed. I've been up til around 5:30, I'll be kinda tired all day, and start to dose around 10, but as soon as I shut my light off, it's like I have instant anxiety. So, if I don't sleep at night, it means that I sleep all day, which makes it very difficult to drop of resumes and find a job. But I did drop off to resumes today, at Stadium Nissan and Garage at Market Mall, I can't decide which would be more appealing at this point. Any suggestions? Nissan would be way more money, (full time receptionist) but I think way more stress. I think I'm older and more educated than the girls at Garage, I might end up feeling weird. Ideas? Anybody please?!?
My dad is usually the one who's like you need to work, make money, work on your cars, but for some reason he's been all like "Don't wake up Alli" to my brother and stuff in the mornings, and "Don't worry, you can sleep if you want" usually after 2 weeks of sleeping til 2pm, he gets fed up. But he's also in the process of bribing me not to move out, so far he's offered me my choice of bedrooms in the new house, complete with the paint and carpet of my choice, a new dresser (I thought I was getting one regardless, considering mine has been threatening to kill me for years, and has been missing it's top door since i was about 4,yay trailor trash) as well as getting my 240 finished... And it's all so tempting, but so unfair at the same time, I feel terrible that I'm being forced to choose between my parents and my boyfriend. As nice as being bought off is, I'm pretty sure I made the right choice a while ago, it's time for me to grow up, and move in with Darren. I'm scared though. But I guess that's only natural, because sometimes I'm really excited about it too.
But I'm lonely as it is, very lonely, Darren is the only person who expresses any desire in associating with me whatsoever, and there's a lot of times that I'm hurt due to him not wanting to hang out with me, and I know I shouldn't be, it's ok to hang out with other people, except I have nobody else to hang out with. and That's pathetic... But it's true. Sunday night is always like OUR time, when we watch our cartoons, and last time he made plans for a sunday night, i was kind of upset, and he made plans for this sunday night too, he tells me this by saying "Don't be mad but..." apparently it was the only time they could hang out, honestly, hasn't he played enough video games in the last week to last a life time. And I know it's not meant to be this way but it's like he'd rather play games, than see me. I take things too personally, over analyze it all.
Yeah I'm somewhat frustrated. I don't feel like it's fair that I'm excluded all the time, it doesn't help that Kevin has taken over the living room, and now there's no longer any Darren and Alli time. As much as I love Kevin, i need some Darren time too, tomorrow is pay day, so dare suggested we do something "funish"-and Kevin should come. I'm so used to everything being Darren and Alli, like we go grocery shopping for OUR dinner, and make OUR dinner, and all of a sudden, they're grocery shopping for them, and I don't get any dinner. I don't expect my dinner to be made/bought for me every night, but when I'm around, and it's evening, and they're having dinner, chances are I'm hungry too. It would be nice to say "Alli, have you had any dinner yet?"
I feel like such a bitch.
I read in my book that depression is like a lack of energy (or somethign to that effect) and I realized that I'm probably depressed, I have no energy, I can't sleep, my stomach is perpetually upset, no motivation, and I cry a lot.
Or maybe, I'm just lonely. I dunno.
Ok well I think this has gone on long enough. I have this sneaking suspicion that I'm more overtired than anything.
we did go to the gym today, so that's pretty happy.

life - death