2005-09-22, 4:12 p.m.

Well it's showing that my diary hasn't been updated in 9 days.
Again I can't help but notice that in times of self loathing/depression, I avoid this diary like nothing else. I think it's because it brings to the surface, and makes me see things that I didn't necessarily want to see. And I guess right now, I'd just rather leave it all beneath, bubbling.. Randomly and sporatically I deal with things. But I'm doing the thing I havn't done since mid-high school. I spend my entire day just exhausted, then I get home and just crash. Then at night... I'm tired, but I just can't sleep. My mind just takes over, and I lay there. and just think and think. Until I can barely take it, and then the tears come. I've been doing alright mood wise this week for the most part. But saturday night, after driving to Lethbridge (unknowingly for absolutely no reason, I was ditched... Fucking Reed) I was lying in bed with Darren at his parents. And could do nothing other than sob in his arms. I can't exactly figure out the cause of my... dysphoria. I just... feel like crap.
But we're going back to Claresholm this weekend so Darren (being the kind considerate gentleman that he is) can help my grandfather trim some trees. I am looking forward to spending the nights with him. There is nothing better than waking up beside him. And the tickling and wrestling and attacking that takes place...
Things are so good with him. But my relationships with a lot of other people seem to be dissolving. And in a way. It's sorta sad, but nobody else seems to care. In the past week, the only person who I've felt genuinely happy to see other than Darren is Ashley. Just to see her face in the crowded library in the blur of groups of blonde skanks, after sitting alone for over an hour, made me so happy.
Everybody else I've talked to seems to be pretty wrapped up in other things, and I just can't help feeling like they're blaming me for the lack of contact.
But now I'm getting pissed off. It's like all of a sudden i've become invisible, or I've died and don't know it yet. I've sent so many emails, some text messages etc etc. And I'm getting none in return. perhaps I'm not really sending them... And an example. Yesterday somebody... and I had plans for after school, because there was no way time could be made for me at any other point. So I got home from school. Called this person at like 2 30, left a message. And got bored, decided to have a nap. And got a call at like 5:30... Oh I didn't know you called, my mom just told me.. So is there something physically wrong with you that's preventing you from calling me... And izzie is curled up in my bed with my large stuffed dog, it's like he owns the place. SHEESH Looks like another lonely night.

life - death