my car is fixed. (morti not 240)
2005-07-26, 11:20 p.m.

well i remained in my clothes for exactly 4 1/2 hours today... and then i put my pajamas back on. sad. i know.
i looked forward to seeing darren i guess since i woke up yesterday, i gave him the night off last night to do laundry and start packing and what not and i hung out with pen, cuz insulted her "friend" and he got mad and took off, which left her angry at him (im not sure why at him and not me... but whatever) i "jokingly" called him an arrogant cock sucker, i guess this isn't a nice thing to say, but it was the truth. so her and i went to go "hang out" with this other hump she met... and how thrilling it was. so all day, i was so excited to see him, we had plans to work on my car and then go back to his house and make dinner or something. i guess he forgot about me during the day, and called me at 6, completely clueless (or something). but he came over and fixed my car (morti's no longer a tractor!!) we fought, worked it out, made plans to go back to his house, get some beer and cuddle. but it got late. and he went home, but of course not before telling me that he wouldn't be seeing me yet again tomorrow. we havn't just HUNG OUT, just the 2 of us, in over a week. and in spite of myself, i could feel the tears surfacing in my eyes. i guess sometimes i wish we were like other couples, but i guess we're both too eccentric to really pull off what one might consider a typical relationship.
normally i'm way too busy to get lonely or bored, but in the past little while i think i skipped the point of just being lonely and bored, and just went right to driving myself crazy.
so here i sit, yet once again, drinking chocolate milk out of my john deere mug in my pjs, feeling sorry for myself. he left an hour ago, i thought he'd send a text message or call me. but not so far. not tonight i'm thinking.
and i came up with a theory not too long ago. you know the girls they see, who are all dressed up in their cutest little outfits, and have their hair and make up all done up, and you can always accuse them of just wanting to get attention from guys... i don't really think it's random guys they are all wanting attention from though. a lot of them are probably girls like me, who are looking forward to spending a friday night with their boyfriend, wanting him to notice that they look a little special that night... for him to pay a little more attention her, instead of the girls walking down the street. they put all the time into looking great, (but probably feeling like crap) and go to meet him, and find him passed out drunk in bed, at 9 on a friday night. depressing eh...
i don't know why i'm this sad, i really shouldn't be. i should be understanding, but i guess it's hard not to take it personally when he would rather go watch some a nerd play on his computer(a nerd who he isn't even going to be friends with anybody after he becomes a cop and complains about what a boring time he had ever time afterwards)
well on top of all the self hatred/pity it turns out that my dad will not be joining my mom and brother to go camping this weekend until possibly friday or not at all. that is kind of annoying, i was looking forward to some freedom from them all. and darren is moving this weekend, so i was hoping i'd help him and then get to stay with him at night, but i'm sure he has other plans, not involving me.
i still want to cry. i want him to care as much as he used to/usually does. i want him to make time to see me, just to hang out, not just when we have chores to do. i want him to cuddle me for hours.
i don't want to cry over him
i love him so much, but i can't help but think he might be getting over me. maybe i'm imagining it. i hope so. i really do.
pms is a valid excuse, right?

life - death